Jennifer Juniper

JJ Goes on Hiatus

2011-08-31T05:19:00.002-05:00

I've tried to come back.. I really have. But its obvious now, after 6 months of almost nothing, that I can't carry this blog.

I'd love to give you a fantastic excuse about how I'm too busy feeding the starving children of Africa to blog, but the truth is, my drama has drama of it's own, and I just can't handle one more thing.

I love my blog. And I love my blog friends, but I can admit defeat.

So JJ is going on hiatus. I don't know when I'll be back, or if I will. But its been fun, and thank you all so much for reading.

The Most Powerful Thing on Earth

2011-07-26T09:26:00.002-05:00

I'm sure someone else already posted this, but it's been cracking me up showing up all in the middle of my Hulu watchings, so I thought I would share.

Plus, I was thinking about y'all.

Happy Anniversary

2011-06-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure why exaclty, but I'm refusing to turn 30 today.

Bean calls it the First Anniversary of my 29th birthday. I'm okay with it.

I think maybe it's because I'm good here.

At 29 I'm married to the love of my life. In love with my children. Have the friends that I've always dreamed of and more or less at peace with my life.

Or at least I have found better peace than I ever thought possible.

Yes, I'm good here. I don't need to move on.

Or at least not yet.

Quietly Mad

2011-06-11T01:14:00.002-05:00

In case you hadn't noticed, I have been a bit overwhelmed lately and my blog has suffered, and suffered and suffered some more.

Most of it is because I'm just too damn busy to blog, but soon that should fix itself.

But it's also been because I'm tired: of doctors, of family, of drama and of Bean being sick. So really I had nothing even remotely amusing or snarky, or even worthwhile to say.

But I've fixed half of that problem.

For those who are interested, I've started a new blog, Jennifer Juniper Goes Quietly Mad. There isn't much there as of yet, but after the night I just had, there should be more very soon.

The Pathetic Whiny Sidekick

2011-05-05T20:56:00.003-05:00

I told y'all that I've been watching "The Alexander Skarsgard Naked Show" ..

Well, today I finished Season 3 (the most recent season) and decided that I hate Tara.

She's the heroine's best friend. And at first I really liked her because she was sassy and spunky and even though she had a fucked up co-dependant relationship with her mom, she was still a good friend, and when drunk, fun to be around.

But then she got herself into an impossible situation and cried about it. And somehow, someone pulled her out of said impossible situation and she cried because they did.

And as soon as you think she's done watering the grass.. lather, rinse, repeat..

Yeah, I'm tired of Tara.

And then I thought..

Fuck, I'm the pathetic, whiny side-kick.

Here I am all spunky and sassy and fun when mixed with alcohol. But then you've got my co-dependant relationship with my mother and impossible situation after impossible situation and someone has to come pull Jenn's ass out of the fire again.

Fuck.

And now I'm thinking about it, and who's the hero??

Bean?? Miley?? Connie?? Hero??

No idea.

Anyrambling..

If I'm going to be the pathetic whiny side-kick who always fucks up and needs the hero to come in and save them because they're too stupid to realize that if they just never left the house (or maybe got a new best friend) that all the crazy ass shit would stop happening, can I at least be like Angel and get my own show eventually??

Girly Lessons

2011-05-03T12:49:00.000-05:00

Oliver is a very high maintenance child. He requires huge amounts of my energy and almost daily he needs alone time with Mom to help him chill from a meltdown.

Tallulah is completely different species. She asks me very politely if she can stay up five minutes past bedtime so she can clean her room. She brought home a report card with all 100's on it (I didn't even know that was possible). She does her chores, takes a shower, feeds her dog and kisses her teacher's ass with very little prodding from me.

So most of the time she doesn't get these private talks with me that Oliver gets.

And she gets jealous.

To combat this, I decided to start her womanly education a little early. Because what the fuck else am I going to talk to her about that Oliver doesn't get to hear??

We started with clothes.

I went to some random ass website (maybe it was glamour) that had pictures of people wearing both cute things and things that their Mama should have never let them out of the house in. And we went through all the pictures and talked about them.

And seriously, I love my daughter.

All of the mini-skirts & short shorts - "They shouldn't show their legs so much."

Bikinis - "They look like underwear."

Bra straps hanging out - "That's trashy."

The only thing that she had any trouble with was why it's okay with me for a 25 year old who wears a size 2 to wear a bikini, but I think a 45 year old who wears a size 26 in a bikini looks like a beached whale. But we're working on it. And I tried really hard to explain to her that the big girls are very pretty, but they can't wear the same clothes as the little girls.

That was Friday.

On Sunday I taught both of the kids "Baby Got Back".

Fuck Prince Charming, I Want Dracula

2011-05-02T12:17:00.004-05:00

I have been on the vampire bandwagon long before "Twilight" happened.

I read Anne Rice and even liked the original "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" (which was pretty horrible).
So I'm not ashamed (much) to admit that I do like "Twilight". Yes, Bella is annoying as fuck, but the vampires are hot (even if they do look 17, so it's a little creepy to think that if you're not) and as far as teen angsty books go, its not bad. And the movies are not too horrible (at least if you're able to laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing).

Up until this weekend "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" (tv series, not movie) was my absolute favorite.

What can possibly be more hilarious than a show that is completely ridiculous and knows it?? There's even a musical episode that makes me laugh every time I see it, and I have the words memorized - all of them.

And then I found "True Blood".

I'm actually still on the fence about the campy factor.

None of the vampires use contractions, and that is one of the most distracting ways of speaking I've ever heard. And the way they do it is worse than Data from "Star Trek", probably because I haven't figured out if the lack of contractions is supposed to signify how old they are or if it's because they're old southern vampires.. (which of course makes no fucking sense, because everyone knows southerners make up their own damn contractions).

And holy fuck.. I thought Bella was a damsel in distress addict. She has absolutely nothing on Sookie. That girl needs an intervention, and then drugs, and meetings, and possibly a padded cell not to mention a good healthy dose of self-esteem and a karate class.

But

The vampires are hot. I mean really hot. I would totally be a fangbanger if they all looked like Alexander Skarsgard (that is, if vampires were real and everything).

So, yes, I'm addicted. And have found my future ex-husband. And though Bean hasn't actually seen the show yet, I think he won't mind, because he's secure enough in his manhood to admit that is one beautiful man.

We may have gotten HBO for "A Game of Thrones", but I will be setting my DVR to record "The Alexander Skarsgard Naked Show".

Shit I Did When I Wasn't Blogging

2011-04-30T07:05:00.000-05:00

I'm not actually going to list all the shit I did when I wasn't blogging because that would take a long ass time.

But I am going to explain to you how my mother works.

If you think really hard, you'll remember that we had some work done on the house. I'm not sure that I posted how all of this happened..

The way all of this came about started about 2 years ago when I looked at my mother and said - "Damn I hate this paneling, it would be really nice to get it taken down."

Then about a year ago, she and I had at least 3 extended discussions on how we should get tile in the front part of the house, because the carpet literally looked like shit.

And about 6 months ago, I mentioned to her how I'd like to get rid of the goofy little brick half-wall between the breakfast nook and the living room because really all it was good for was collecting random ass things as people walk in the back door.

But she never said anything about calling a contractor.

In fact I mentioned to her that while the kids and I were gone for Spring Break would have been the perfect opportunity to have the floors done since it would be just her and Bean home.

So we got home from Spring Break and no work had been done on the house. Not that I was actually surprised..

Then, on March 21st just before I went to bed she says:

"They're coming tomorrow to take down the paneling."

Excuse me?? Who is "They"?? How long have you known this??

Whatever.

And then I talked to her on the 22nd and she tells me:

"You forgot to clear off the kitchen table so I had to do ALL of that myself."

I'm sorry. I have an actual day job.. my bad.

So that night (because I'm that kind of a passive-aggressive person when it comes to Mom) I really cleaned off the kitchen table (because she just stacked shit on top of it and moved it over), moved it to the dining room, moved all the other furniture to the office, unloaded the china cabinet and took all the pictures off the walls. And made dinner for the kids.

The following weekend I painted.

Because Mom really had no idea when they were coming back to do the tile.

I didn't finish, so the next weekend, I painted again.

On Monday night (April 4th) Mom tells me that they're coming back on Tuesday (April 5th) to start the tile. And that she's already asked my cousin, Number 5 to come over and help me move shit out of the way.

So after busting my ass all weekend painting, and going to work on Monday, I came home and boxed up everything breakable, completely unhooked all the computers, cleaned off every surface that wasn't nailed down, and lined it up so that Number 5 could move it all to the garage.

It took me 3 days to be able to move without wincing.

They finished the floors on something like the 16th. And I still haven't fully recovered..

Plus, on the 13th, Tallulah's dog, Harriet, had puppies - 7 of them. So if anyone wants a little ~~rat~~ wiener dog of their very own, I have 2 girls left.

For the Love of All Things Bright and Shiny

2011-04-29T09:56:00.004-05:00

You all know that I adore my husband.

He is perfect for me and for the most part his foibles and idiosyncrasies don't really bother me..

But lately, the man has completely missed the mark when it comes to gift giving.

And please don't get me wrong, I'm not really that materialistic.. I'm fine with something little that means alot, a box of my favorite cookies, a gift certificate for a mani/pedi.. a new battery for the watch that I never wear because it needs a new battery.....

And in his defense, he's a procrastinator all the time, so I'm not really sure why I would expect his gift giving to be any different, except for exhibit A:

This is my Christmas present from 2008. Bean had just gotten out of the hospital and I got it before Christmas. It all stemmed from an off-handed email that I sent him in August 2008 with a link to this website saying "how cool is this?!?!". That's all, nothing more. I wasn't even angling for one, or at least not really.

In 2009 Bean didn't have a job, so he was excused from all gift giving.

In 2010 I can't really remember what he got me other than a digital picture frame (maybe that was Christmas 2009??) that I like, but have nowhere to put..

Then we get to this year..

Christmas, he forgot to order something..

Anniversary, he made me a paper rose (I like the traditional gifts), but it was late, by about 2 months I think..

Valentine's Day, he got me a bracelet and earrings to match my "J" necklace, but those were late too..

And now we're coming to Mother's Day.

For the love of all things bright and shiny, can I get some fucking flowers ON THE DAY??

Obviously I'd like something actually bright and shiny, but flowers will work. Tulips maybe.. In a couple of bright, happy colors.. Maybe a card??

He's got a pass for my birthday, because I already bought my laptop for myself, so really this is the last chance for these twelve months for him to get it right..

And please, if you like Bean at all and want his continued company on this planet, next year around Thanksgiving could someone PLEASE remind him that there are some VERY nice purses that come in cotton.

Secretary's Day

2011-04-27T07:00:00.002-05:00

Today is Secretary's Day -
On this most blessed day, my boss and I have an agreement:

I do not have to do any actual work, unless I want to.
He has to do all of my actual work if I ask him to.
He is not allowed to bitch at me or nit-pick.
He must provide me with flowers.
He also must buy me lunch, and not that rabbit food that he eats, but an actual good lunch.
He must see that I am adequately supplied in chocolate.
He gives me a massive raise, just for today, because I showed up on what totally should be a secretary's holiday.

Ok, not really.

Our agreement is:
He will buy me flowers and I will be nice to him for the rest of the year.

Chick Fight

2011-04-26T13:05:00.003-05:00

I realize that I haven't posted in forever and why is a post for another day.

Today is all about the chick fight I want to get into with the bitch in our main office.

We don't have an HR person. Instead we have the VP of Money and the Bitch of Payroll. I have walked a very fine line with the Bitch of Payroll for a long ass time. I kiss her ass and pretend that I don't think she fucked something up everytime I ask her to fix my guy's paychecks. I talk sweetly to her and kiss her ginormous ass and everytime I'm at the main office I devote 30 minutes to listening to her tell me ALL about her life.

Yesterday I had a migraine from hell. I mean can't-lift-your-head-off-the-pillow-the-husbands-voice-is-needles-through-your-skull-the-light-from-the-crack-in-the-closet-door-is-a-knife-through-your-closed-eyes-and-fuck-dealing-with-children-because-everytime-you-think-about-getting-up-the-world-spins-and-you-vomit migraine. And our company has this beautiful policy of "no doctor's note no pay" for sick days. It makes me want to bring a note from my mommy as well. (In fact if I ever won the lottery that's what I'd do. I'd take a sick day and come back to work with a note from my mommy instead of the doctor and when they bitched about that I'd bring a doctor's note with no diagnosis on it and tell them how fucking ILLEGAL they are being by making me have a diagnosis on my sick note from my ~~mommy~~ doctor.)
Anyway. So yesterday as I was contemplating how much I shouldn't be driving to go to the doctor I thought that maybe there was a form that I could turn in from a doctor saying that I have been diagnosed with migraines and might miss work from time to time for them and maybe that would count as my doctors note. So in my foggy head it seemed like a good idea to call and ask the Bitch of Payroll. Notsomuch.

I won't lie to you and say that I was pleasant. I was in pain. But I did apologize to her several times for my waspishness, and she said "Oh don't worry about it, I get migraines too!!" and then she told me that I could a) go to the doctor and bring back a note b)not go to the doctor and ask Red-neck Boss if I could use a vacation day (which I need for Bean's surgery) or c) not get paid.

And we got off the phone and she immediately called Anal Boss to complain because I called her.

So today I got pulled into Red-neck Boss's office to ask me about my phone call with the Bitch of Payroll.

Seriously?!?!? Payroll is a people centric job. If you cannot talk to people without getting your panties in a wad YOU SHOULD NOT DO IT.

I think maybe I should file a complaint because the Bitch of Payroll said hello to me last week and that's not following the chain of command. She needs to tell the VP of Money to tell Anal Boss to tell Red-neck Boss that she said hello.

And this is why I hate working with women.

Damn Newfangled Shit

2011-03-29T22:23:00.000-05:00

I want you all to know that I killed my phone a few months ago.

And my new phone hates me. It's exactly the same as my old phone, and all the settings are identical, but it hates me.

Or more specifically it hates my blog and won't show me my email and my comments.

Maybe if I flush this one I'll get a new new phone and this one will like me.

About Yesterday

2011-03-28T22:15:00.001-05:00

If you read yesterday's post and wondered, here's the story:

We're having some remodeling done. And my paneling is gone.

Hallelujah!!!

And the new floors go in sometime between Tuesday and two weeks from Tuesday. Mom can't remember.

So I have unpainted drywall above floors that are going to be replaced.

I needed to paint. Now.

Bean helped me decide on colors, and vetoed the one I really liked.

Then he went to the store for Oliver's project supplies and took Tallulah to see bluebonnets.

And then he slept. All day.

Don't get me wrong. He hurt. I know he did. And he went to Oliver's school carnival on Friday.

But I had to prime and paint the entire front section of the house while getting over the plague and working.

I'm still not done.

So I have definitely decided.

I want a wife.

Because a wife would have gone to the store and taken Tallulah and then made lunch and sat on her ass for an hour and then looked at me drenched in sweat, coughing up a lung and picked up a paintbrush no matter how much she hurt.

Because that's how women work.

Wanted

2011-03-27T22:12:00.002-05:00

Wanted:

A single 30 something female. To live in my home and share all responsibilities involved. Including, but not limited to housework, child-rearing, errands and husband husbandry.

The ideal candidate would be handy and crafty. Preferably with an unnatural love of laundry.

Sexual involvement is unnessary but for the right candidate could be discussed.

Save Sweet Baby Jesus

2011-03-23T04:31:00.000-05:00

First, let me just say that this post is not a comment on anyone.

Having said that, I know I'm not the only one who gets these emails.

You know the ones, there's a beautiful or hilarious story and maybe some great pictures and you read it and it brings you to tears either because you're laughing so hard or because it's just that moving and then you get to the bottom and it says something like:

Forward this on to 3 people or you'll have bad luck for 50 years!!

I hate them!! I don't need anyone's help to have bad luck. Seriously.

And the ones that say something like this:

Only 1 in 100 people will forward this on because they are the ones not ashamed of Jesus. Are you 1 in 100??

They drive me up the fucking wall. Seriously?? I was planning on forwarding until I read that.

Did I miss the chapter in the Bible where Jesus guilts us into following him??

And I do forward some, but often I delete the bullshit at the end, so that those I send it to can just enjoy the flipping email.

Why am I getting these?? I'm 29 years old. I'm not in high school anymore.

Why are people even writing these?? Just so they can feel good that their creation made it around the world 52 times??

I don't get it.

So, I thought I'd try it to see if it gives me warm fuzzies (though somehow I don't think so):

If you don't comment, then you hate the sweet baby Jesus.

If you leave 3 comments then something good will happen.

If you leave 5 comments what you've been waiting for will occur.

If you leave 20 comments, you'll win the lottery.*

*And if you do leave 20 comments and you do win the lottery, you'd better pay off my house.

No Sympathy for the Sick Bastards

2011-03-21T22:18:00.000-05:00

It just happened that yesterday when I was reading my father's journal full of bitching about his situation I was also watching "Our America with Lisa Ling" about registered sex offenders.

What the fuck.

Where do they get off with this "Woe is me?!?!" attitude??

I understand the 18 year old who sleeps with his 16 year old girlfriend and gets labeled. But if you are a grown man and you molest a child, or you commit a rape or some other atrocity, what kind of justification do you have so that you can ask for sympathy and expect to get it?!?!

Child molesters and rapists deserve nothing less than castration.

So, for all of you sex offenders out there, I'll offer an apology for my dad, the pedophile:
I'm so fucking sorry that you had trouble at work, Dad. And that you couldn't play with your friends for a few months. And I'm sorry that I haven't apologized sooner, I've been busy picking up the pieces you left of Mom's life, and trying with all of my being to hold on to the relationship with Amara that you destroyed. I've been doing my damnest not to repeat the cycle. And rebuilding my self-esteem that you tore down at every opportunity.
So if this apology was too long in coming, kiss my fucking ass you sick self-righteous bastard.

P.S. - I'm still searching for my usual self. Patience please.

Let Dead Dads Lie

2011-03-20T22:00:00.002-05:00

I've never written a more painful post.

I've also never been so angry and hurt and conflicted.

I'm not sure that I've mentioned this before, but my father, who died when I was 15 was a pedophile and I was his victim.

It's not something I talk about often and it doesn't define who I am. But it's one of those things that occassionally rears its ugly head and comes back to bite me in the ass.

Like tonight.

Mom was cleaning out her desk a few weeks ago and found a journal that Dad was forced to keep for his probation after I outed him.

Mom wanted to know if I wanted to read them and I didn't that particular day, but she left them on her desk and everytime I walked through her room they were there staring at me.

So tonight I didn't have the kids and Mom was gone, so I went and got them.

I should have left it alone.

The vast majority of the entries, that spanned two months, were complaints: about writing, exhaustion, lonliness, work, money and chores. He wrote about how his situation was hard for him - he wasn't allowed contact with children of any kind. How he missed the family enviroment, my mother and my sister.

In two months worth of entries my name appeared 3 times. He hadn't seen or spoken to me in 7 months, and never would again, he died within a month of the last entry.

I am hurt, and angry and confused.

I never idealized him, and saw him as a sick bastard that sometimes could be very kind and loving. But I guess I thought he was remorseful in the end. And that in his deluded, sick way, he loved me.

But his journal tells me a different story.

He never said that he was sorry, or that he regretted what he did to me. They gave me more of the impression that he was sorry he got caught, not really that he did it.

He also never says he missed me. He mentions Amara and missing her and being sorry that he hurt her (he never laid a hand on her), but never me.

What kind of father doesn't miss his child when separated from them for 7 months?

(and let's not get into the obvious - "the same kind that could molest said child".)

And I was sick during this period - passing out for no apparant reason at least once a week.

He talks about Fantasy Football 50 times more that he talks about me!!

I'm angry. And outraged. And really I don't have many coherent thoughts. I just needed to vent.

I promise I'll be back to my old snarky self soon.

Still in Switzerland

2011-03-15T21:29:00.004-05:00

So here I am still in Switzerland.

For the most part good times are being had by all, but Tallulah had a few meltdowns today.

We haven't actually done much, but we have spent alot of time with Bean's family, and that's fantastic.

Tomorrow we're actually going to do something - a nature reserve (or maybe it's preserve.. tells you how much I pay attention).

I'll try to blog again, but Mom Bean's keeping us pretty busy.

Oh, and I dug through all the old family albums today -

Bean had a permed mullet!!!!

Game of Thrones

2011-03-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

This is not a real post, because as you read this I will be in Colorado recovering from 18 hours alone in the car with my ~~monsters~~ darling children.

But I am ridiculously excited about this, so I had to share..

If you have no idea what this is all about, then I'll tell you.

This is an HBO adaptation of one of the best fantasy series ever written. The series is actually called "A Song of Ice and Fire" and its written by George R. R. Martin.

You may remember that I am a fantasy fan. But if you've read a few fantasy novels, you understand that they often follow a pattern:

Young person (usually a boy) finds out that he's not who he thought he was - maybe its a family history thing or maybe he himself is just special.
He goes on a journey because of some tragedy that's happened.
He is guided by someone (usually an old man) that he's known for awhile, if not his entire life.
He discovers that said guide is really someone very powerful and well known.

The reason why I love George R. R. Martin's books is that they follow no formula. I have read many, many fantasy novels, and most of them don't surprise me anymore. GRRM throws me for a loop at every turn. You never know what he's going to do. In fact, though there are dozens of unsolved questions in his series, there's only one that I am fairly sure I know the answer to.

I won't spoil it for you, but I highly reccommend reading the books and watching the series. It promises to be amazing.*

*And for you guys out there - there should be quite a bit of T & A.

Over the River and Through the Woods

2011-03-12T06:00:00.000-06:00

To Grandmother's house we go!!

And no, I don't actually know the way, but my GPS does, so no worries.

I'm not sure how much blogging I'll get done there, but I promise to try.

And after 18 hours trapped in a car with my children I should be crazier than normal.

A Theme Song for JJ

2011-03-11T06:00:00.001-06:00

Lately, life has been throwing me alot of curve balls, and really, I suck at baseball (and every other sport known to man).

Oliver is being bullied at school. The kids are all calling him gay and saying he has a "mangina" and asking if he's a girl.
So he cut his "luscious locks" that he loved.
And he's having trouble with his teachers.
They refuse to make accomodations for him. At all.
He's brilliant, but he's also forgetful and high energy and unfocused. As a result, his grades are in the toilet.
So he wants to be medicated.

I hate that. I love my silly, eccentric, crazy, imaginative boy. I don't want him to change. But he's 11 years old and if he feels like he needs help, I have to respect that.

Bean's health is appalling.
He can barely walk he's in so much pain from the osteonecrosis in his hips. And because he hurts so badly, he's nauseated. So he can't hold down food much.
We've been to the urgent care twice and the hospital once in the last 6 months for dehydration.

It hurts me so much to see him in pain. But I can't mother him. It doesn't work when his mother does it and it's not going to work if I do it.

Tallulah's growing up. And my sweet compliant child has gotten an attitude. Now instead of having an ally who helps me with just about anything without being told twice (and in some cases without being asked at all) is arguing with me about everything.

I knew it was going to happen, but at 7??

Mom is still Mom. Nosy as all get out and touchy about everything.

I can't expect her to change after 60 years of being this way.

And I still can't find a Doctor who will listen to me about my weight gain and fatigue.

With all of this going on, I've decided that I need a theme song and this is what I've chosen:

Bring on the Rain by JoDee Messina

Another day has almost come and gone,
Can't imagine what else could go wrong.
Sometimes I'd like to hide away somewhere and lock the door.
A single battle lost but not the war.

'Cause tomorrow's another day
and I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain.

It's almost like the hard times circle 'round.
A couple drops and they all start comin down.
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head,
I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead.

No, cause tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway,
So bring on the rain.

No I'm not gonna let it get me down.
I'm not cry,
and I'm not gonna lose any sleep tonight.

'Cause tomorrow's another day,
and I am not afraid,
so bring on the rain.

To me, this song is about acceptance, which is something I have a really hard time with.
I can handle just about whatever comes, but for some reason I can't accept that this is my life.

I will always have drama, I will never be rich. I'm not a skinny girl and I never will be. The love of my extended family is conditional and my sister is a bitch. I may never finish school or even go back at all and my dreams of being a Rock Star are just that, dreams.

But I am loved, by two of the most amazing children God ever created and a man who is so strong of heart that it brings tears to my eyes. I have friends that I don't have any idea what I did to deserve and I have two sisters in spirit that will love me no matter what.

But the best part is even though the rain is pouring, I am happy.

And this too shall pass.

Rowlf's Hair

2011-03-10T06:00:00.001-06:00

For the last 2 months I've been contemplating what I want to do with ROwlf's hair when it finally grows out from all the horrendous haircuts he's had lately.
(After the poodle cut there was an incident involving a mat on his ear so they had to be shaved.)

Because really there are so many options..

There's the sweet floppy way he use to wear it..

Or we could go with a VanDyke.

Or perhaps a peacock look.

Tallulah loves cats, so maybe a lion cut.

Oliver needs something to get him more interested in History, so we could have a buffalo in the house.

Or maybe something a bit more laid back to go with his personality.

But my personal favorite is the mohawk.

Bean said I could. But I don't think he realized that I wasn't joking, so after our Colorado trip, I'm thinking a trip to the groomers is in order.

Did I Mention that I'm Crazy??

2011-03-09T06:00:00.001-06:00

Or possibly incredibly brave.

But more likely just certifiable.

On Saturday, I'm driving to Colorado.

With my kids.

By myself.

Go ahead. Have me committed.

Please!?!?

Super Groupie

2011-03-08T12:00:00.000-06:00

Have I ever mentioned that I'm a Groupie??

I am.

At least as far as some of my favorite bloggers go. I feel like they're the amazing fantastical creatures who are so much cooler than I am and I get amazingly excited over the stupidest shit, like:

Did you know that Candance knows my name??

So imagine the Groupiegasm I had when I got an email from Aunt Crazy last month asking if me & Miley wanted to go to the Symphony with her.

Me?!?!

I mean I know that Miley's all kinds of cool, and everybody loves her.

But ME?!?!?!

Holy fuck. What does one wear when meeting a RAWKstar??

I have no fucking clue. But I wore a dress. Because Miley wanted me to wear a dress. And black stockings because I'm a Southern girl and we cover our legs in public.
And heels.

However, I forgot to take into account how much I've been slumming it at work for the last 6 months in my jeans and tennis shoes and occassionally flats.

Nine months ago I could have run to the Symphony in heels (or at least I could have just as well as in tennis shoes). And when I put the bitches on they felt fine.

And then we walked. And y'all, Miley is TALL. So she walks fast. I'm not. So even in flats sometimes its hard to keep up with her. Plus, I'm an asthmatic smoker. I'm slow.

We were way early so we sat outside and smoked and talked (or at least Miley & Aunt Crazy talked - I listened trying to pretend like I was just like the other cool kids) and I got to rest my screaming feet.

Then we went in.

Y'all, I almost busted my ass. I'm walking in behind Miley looking for our seats and shit, and I hit that ramp down into the chairs and almost went Jill on everybody.

Miley and Aunt Crazy weren't looking at me, so I did the only thing I could think of.

I took off my shoes. At the symphony.

I know.. I KNOW.. My grandmother would have killed me.

But the good news is, I don't think Aunt Crazy noticed.

Anyway. Good symphony. Aunt Crazy liked it and Miley & I took turns distracting each other..

Miley: Jenn.

Me: ??

Miley: The bass player is talking to his bass!!

Me: No, he's counting..

For the record, Miley was right. He was talking to his bass. I know because I was attempting to read his lips for the rest of the concert.

And later..

Me: Miley.

Miley: ??

Me: That second horn is really brassy don't you think??

Miley: ?????

What can I say, I'm not as amusing as Miley is..

Anyway. Good times were had by all. I fully intend to enthusiastically accept if I ever get another invitation from Aunt Crazy, and I may even prod Miley into inviting her out with us (because I am far too chicken shit to do it myself).

Being Supergirl

2011-03-08T06:00:00.000-06:00

I've decide that my new pink laptop makes me Supergirl.

And not the 1980's blonde version (with a weirdly hesitant voice/accent) but the adorable pink Supergirl version (I know this version well, since this was Tallulah's Halloween costume a few years ago) - and of course my version has crazy brunette hair..

Anyway.

I had my desk all set up all day with my work computer in front of me and my laptop carefully set up so that you had to actually walk your happy ass around behind me in order to see that I was blogging and playing farmville.

Of course, there may or may not be cameras in our new office (did I mention that the office moved out of the ghetto?? That's a whole 'nother post), so its entirely possible that Money Boss and Anal Boss were watching me blog and play farmville while they ate popcorn.

So it was all set up & I had my snazzy insanely massive bag under my desk. And I blogged. Twice.

Because I'm Supergirl and I can blog and work and plant/harvest crops and plot to take over the world all without breaking a sweat all because of my pink laptop.

For Bluz

2011-03-07T20:59:00.005-06:00

Ages and ages and ages ago, I promised Bluzdude a couple of pictures from my family album.

But I didn't have a printer/scanner at the time, and I have no memory, so it never happened.

Tonight, I hooked up a printer/scanner (and it worked!!) and the very first thing I scanned were pictures for Bluz and I sent them on to him.

But I thought I'd share them with you too.

As I told Bluz - they're old. But if you tilt your head sideways and squint a little you might notice the guy in the back with the guitar (at least in one picture he has a guitar).

According to my Aunt, who presumably was there, that's Stevie Ray Vaughan.

And the blonde next to him is Lenny, my cousin, his wife.

Next to Lenny is my great-grandmother, who was a hoot and a half. (Think Weezer from Steel Magnolias and you wouldn't be far off.)

As for the old lady holding her hair, no clue.

The Twilight Zone

2011-03-07T12:00:00.000-06:00

The thing that sucks about being gone so long from the blogging world (besides the obvious) is that shit changes. And when you're gone you have no idea what the fuck is going on..

I went to all of my favorite peoples blogs today and most of them look completely different. I feel like I'm in the fucking twilight zone. Where are the layouts I remember?? It's so sad.

And since my memory is like a colander (or maybe even a funnel) it makes me wonder "is this the blog I think it is?? Maybe I went to the wrong blog thinking it was Christy's, maybe this is really Stephanie's blog and oh fuck. What if I have their names totally wrong!!"

Someone please remind me of these troubles if I ever decide to go on hiatis again.

And by the way. Blogging at work is freaking awesome.

Pretty in Pink

2011-03-07T08:26:00.002-06:00

Saturday Bean bought me my Christmas/birthday present (as I mentioned) - a pink laptop.

I love it. Alot.

And Perry actually did some good (and told the truth) and showed me how to tether my phone to it so that I can get internet anywhere..

So here I am at work & blogging.

Aren't you thrilled??

I am.

Because Bitches Bitch

2011-03-05T20:56:00.002-06:00

Did ya miss me??

Yeah, I did too.

I'd like to tell you about my fantastic trip to Morocco while I was away, but as I don't know anything about Morocco (including how to spell it really), I'd just be pulling shit out of my ass.

The truth is, I've been bitchy.

About everything.

Mom, kids, work, friends and Bean. I've got nothing productive to say about anyone but Rowlf. He's still stinkin' adorable. (And I'm seriously considering getting him a mohawk - but that would actually make a good post)

And I'm still feeling bitchy. And I haven't been here because I didn't want to bore everyone with my constant complaints. But today I have one that I had to share and I thought y'all would find amusing.

Bean bought me Christmas/Birthday laptop today. (It's pink and I love it.)

The only problem was that I couldn't remember the password for my wifi. So I called Comcast to see if they knew it.

They didn't.

So they sent me to Netgear.

The guy had a VERY heavily accented English and was snappy if I didn't understand him.

And then he tells me that he can't help me unless I pay $100.

Fuck that.

So I hung up and went digging around on the old computer where the router lives.

And there was a little icon that said "Router" on it.

So I opened it.

And there's all my info. Definitely NOT worth $100.

Guard Dog

2011-01-14T22:58:00.001-06:00

Just a little tidbit for you. I'm babysitting for Cara's baby tonight.. Here's Rowlf guarding the baby's sleep.

I'm Just Sayin'

2011-01-12T16:55:00.000-06:00

Let’s get a few things straight here:

1. I am not responsible for your actions.
So if I tell you that I am craving Mexican food so badly that it hurts, and you run out to get Mexican for me and in doing so spend money you didn’t have and bounce your rent check, it’s not my fault. You’re not a child. You can use logic and theoretically you can balance your checkbook. And there isn’t anyway that I could MAKE you do anything.

2. If you want to fight, I’m totally ready.

3. If you want a pity party, you came to the wrong girl.
I’ll pat you on the back and tell you it’s all going to be ok, but at some point, you just have to build a bridge.

4. If you did something stupid, to make a point that was completely ridiculous in the first place, I’ve got nothing.
Don’t put down your dog because I made a comment about how much it stinks and then try to run to me and cry about the damn dog. You should have just washed it, and then everyone would be happy.

Note to Self - No Exercising

2011-01-11T16:57:00.003-06:00

And DONE!!

2011-01-09T22:17:00.002-06:00

Haha!!!!!

I'm free!! Like a bird, or the wind or some other free thing!!

Yesterday was Mom's 60th birthday party, and with that, my season of craziness is over!!

Let me explain this to you guys (I may have already, but you know my mind is slipping)..

September -
My Great Aunt's 90somethingth birthday in Ft. Worth

October -
Tallulah's Birthday
Mrs. #2's Baby shower
Halloween Party

November -
Bean's Birthday
Thanksgiving

December -
Me & Bean's Anniversary (1 year baby!!)
Oliver's Birthday
Mrs. #2's Cousin's Graduation Party (yeah, don't ask)
Christmas

January -
New Years' and Drive to Fucking Iowa
Mom's Birthday

And while that's only 2 things (or so) a month, keep in mind that I only have the kids 2 weekends a month and all of those things required planning, shopping and preparing for. Plus, I'm still insanely tired (which is a completely different rant).

So, yeah, I'm done and I'm thrilled that there is nothing family-wise that I have to plan until October.

Iowa Sucks Ass 2

2011-01-05T06:00:00.001-06:00

I'm still trying to remember my blogging habits, and from what I recall I do nothing special on Wednesdays (phew!!).

So I'll explain my post-its from yesterday..

Connie is my cousin. But recently she and I have been discussing how much more we are like sisters than anything else. And I think this last weekend, I proved it. Totally.

First off, I almost literally haven't seen Bean in 2 weeks. He's been working overtime and on every day that he was off, I had something I had to do.

But Connie had to pick up her kids from their Christmas break with their ~~douchecanoe~~ dad in Iowa.

See, when Connie and Dickwhistle got a divorce, he moved there, with no job lined up and no place to live except with his new girlfriend (a woman he had known before but hadn't seen in at least 5 years).

And in the divorce papers (where he screwed Connie royally) it says she has to bring the kids all the way to Iowa every other year for Christmas, and he has to come all the way here to get them and bring them back every summer.

On the way up, he met Connie in Kansas, mostly I think because he wanted something from her and she gave him gas money. But on the way back, he called at 11:30 on Friday to say he couldn't do that because his girlfriend couldn't find a babysitter for her kid and he didn't want to go without her and they wouldn't all fit in the car.

Now, I respect that. Noone wants to drive 18 hours roundtrip by themselves. But that was his piss-poor planning.

So I called him, since he and Connie were just screaming at each other, and he said he'd try to meet us at the Iowa/Missouri border.

Awesome. That knocks our 36 hour trip down to 31 hours.

Then Saturday when we're in Kansas he finds out that Connie didn't send him gas money. (Which looking at it now, she's glad she didn't do since he didn't drive anywhere and wouldn't have given it back.) So he says he can't go anywhere, because he just spent $2000 on the kids for Christmas and doesn't have it.

Bullshit. If you just spent $2000 on Christmas, you have $40. I even offered to split it with him and still no.

So we drove. And we drove and we drove.

I ended up being in the car for 41 hours once you add in my drive home from Connie's.

The kids were actually amazingly good, Connie and I were just so very tired it was unreal.

And we both had to work Monday.

Iowa Sucks Ass

2011-01-04T17:17:00.003-06:00

I am so exhausted, so I's glad it's Tuesday, because if memory serves, that means Post-its!!

Enough of that Sappy Shit

2011-01-01T09:45:00.000-06:00

Now that you got a post all sappy and heartfelt and shit, it's time to put away the tissues and get back to work.

Bean and I don't do New Years Resolutions. But, here's my list of things that would be fucking awesome to have happen in 2011.

Win the lottery. Obviously.
Take the kids to Colorado. Preferably with Bean.
Keep Oliver from being bullied to badly at school.
Potty train the damn rat dog bitch.
Let the damn rat dog bitch have some puppies.
Sell said puppies.
Get decorations for my bathroom Christmas tree.
Boycott Science Fair.
Get a new damn job (or at least a new boss).
Conquer the world (in Civilization).
Get a computer that actually works.
Get a laptop that noone else is allowed to touch, so that I have somewhere to put my porn collection.
Pay off my brand new paper credit card.
Buy Christmas/Birthday presents in advance.
Have a fucking amazing not 30th birthday party.
Educate Bean on which Holidays are important to me, and which ones I don't give a rat dogs ass about.

But mostly, just try to enjoy life a little more.

God Grant Me..

2010-12-31T09:17:00.005-06:00

After not blogging for over a month, you'd think that I would be bursting with things to say, but no..

For the last week I've been trying to think up a post, and I've got nothing. Maybe blogging is like studying, if you get out of the habit, its very hard to get back in..

But, since it's New Year's Eve, a year in review is in order (plus it means I don't have to be too creative).

In 2010:

I got married to my soul mate (technically this was 2009, but it was December, so it counts for 2010).

I discovered that doctors do not know everything.

I became the not so proud owner of 2 rat dogs.

I managed to keep my job.

I've more or less come to terms with my sister being evil.

I became an aunt, again.

I lost my best friend.

I found woman's best friend in the form of a floppy mess of a goldendoodle.

I found some old friends I thought I had lost.

I did not win the lottery on multiple occassions.

I ripped up carpet for the first time.

I learned to let go of my children, just a little.

I became addicted to blogging.

I did not kill any members of my family.

I had "the talk" with Oliver, several times.

I got my first credit card.

I decorated my first cake.

I went gambling for the first time.

I stretched my non-craftiness to the absolute limit with scrapbooking and party planning.

I've had to bend my beliefs and open my mind.

But most of all, I've learned the importance of the serenity prayer.

Things I Learned When I Wasn't Blogging

2010-12-18T09:27:00.005-06:00

I can't believe that its been almost a month since I posted anything.. I'm so sorry!!

It's been so crazy around here!!

I'm not fully back, because I still have a bunch of craziness to mess with, but I thought I would let y'all know I'm still alive, and post up a little randomness..

Doctors are stupid.
And just because Google says you should be prescribed a certain drug for whatever illness does not mean you actually will be.
Pharmacies and Insurance Companies are stupider. They have a really hard time understanding that normal people don't have an extra $400 lying around to spend on medication.
I still love Christmas, and now that all 7 of my trees are up (yes, 7 - though the way the kids count it, there's 10) I can't wait for next year when I get to buy new decorations.
Having been married to Bean for a year is a little odd. It feels like yesterday, but it also feels like we've been married forever. I don't really know how to describe it, but I like it.
Children are evil. They'll bully anyone that's different in any way, and when you add that fact in with Oliver's outstanding uniqueness, its a recipe for disaster.
School administrators are morons. And unless a parent throws a very large hissy fit, they don't pay attention to anything.
I'm pretty good at throwing hissy fits.
My sister is a bitch. My mother is a pushover. Combine those two things and you get a family gathering being hosted by me on Monday, when I have to work both Monday and Tuesday.
Tallulah needs a physical Christmas list so that she can't change her mind 55 times in the last two weeks leading up to Christmas. She also needs to note on said list exactly who she's telling she wants what. Especially when she's asking both Grandmas for $100 dolls.
Oliver should never be allowed to browse for cool things online. Especially when he actually gets money. He could bankrupt himself in a very short amount of time.
Cold weather makes Bean hurt. Alot.
I hate working with women. They throw little fits over the stupidest shit and then post it on facebook for the world to see.

That about sums it up. I expect to be back a little next week, and then fully functional after Christmas.

Manspeak

2010-11-20T08:00:00.000-06:00

To wrap up my Girly week, I thought I'd go into Manspeak.

For all you guys, I just want to say that I am not claiming to be fluent in Manspeak. It's more that I understand the gist of any given situation - after all, noone but a man can truly speak Manspeak. But I speak Manspeak kind of like how well you speak German after taking it throughout high school.

The guys at work appreciate that I know some Manspeak. Because for them it translates into if I wear a low-cut top I will not get offended if they look at my boobs. They're men, if it's on display they will look. And I kindof figure that if I didn't want them to look, I shouldn't have worn that top.

My girlfriends for the most part like that I can translate for them, for instance -

You slept with him on the first date?? Nope, sorry hon, the best you're going to get is fuck buddy.

Bean loves that I understand his Manspeak. Because for him, it means that as long as he's not drooling over the gorgeous 22 year old blonde that just walked by, I don't really care if he looks. My only request is that if he's going to be obvious enough for me to notice then she better be smokin.

And Oliver is beginning to learn of my Manspeak abilities.

Mom, can you take Tallulah over there??

Translation: There's a hot girl coming and I don't want her to see me hugging my mom and holding her hand.

Mom, I'm going to air dry after my shower, so can you knock before coming in?

Translation: I'm going to play with myself for awhile. Can you guard my door from Tallulah??

But mostly I really hope that in years to come Tallulah appreciates my knowledge.

So that maybe when I tell her dressing like a whore will make boys treat her like a whore, she will listen.

Counting Sheep

2010-11-19T06:00:00.000-06:00

Boobies and Christy have this fabulous meme on Fridays..

I love it.

And all you have to do is give everyone and everything that pissed you off this week the big ole finger.

Easy huh??

I didn't play last week because I had such an awesome week that I didn't want to jinx it. This week is a little different.

Fuck you fence that fell on my foot. It hurts like a bitch and I can't wear heels.

Fuck you Alien. It's your fault that I had to use powertools in the first place.

Fuck you Dr. Sleep. I'm not depressed and I don't care if your stupid fucking sleep study showed nothing.. I'm tired!! Fix it.

2 Truths and a Lie

2010-11-18T06:00:00.000-06:00

Tell me 2 truths and a lie and make me guess which is the lie. You've played this game before, so why not join The Scoop on Poop and CA Girl every Thursday by
1.Grabbing the handy little button on the sidebar
2.Posting your 2 truths and a lie
3.Link up
4.Reveal your lie the next week!

Last week I broke the rules, and we played 2 Lies and a Truth.

I got a new piercing last weekend. It was:

1. My eyebrow.

2. My nose.

3. The cartiledge on my left ear.

AHA!! Not a single person got it right. Not even Miley. I feel so accomplished.

It was my nose. It's really cute. And Bean loves it!!

This week we'll go back to 2 Truths and a Lie..

It got cold last weekend and that makes me think of Christmas and holidays.. So we'll go with that.

1. I love having a fire when it's cold, but I don't know how to light one.

2. I had 4 Christmas trees last year and plan on having 7 this year and would like to have 9 in 2011.

3. I spend around $500 on each of my children for Christmas every year.

Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

Things I Do

2010-11-17T06:00:00.000-06:00

Since I made you guys all think I'm an idiot yesterday, I thought today I'd try to redeem myself.

Here are some things that I do that maybe aren't girly girl things.

I pay bills. Bean has no idea how much we make or spend or anything. Neither does Mom.

I move furniture. Often. As in whenever I get bored. Which is often. And if there's someone around to help, great. If not, oh well.

I paint. I like to paint walls.

I train my dog. (no, this isn't something I really consider manly, but I do consider my 60 lb dog much manlier than Bean's 8 lb rat dog)

I make good steak.

I put furniture together.

I like to drive and make a terrible passenger.

See. I'm not completely incompetent.

Mostly I'm just about doing what needs to be done. And if noone else will/can do it, then I will. But alot of times I do something and realize that I suck at it. So while I know how it's done, and will do it again if necessary, I will never choose to do it.

Other things (like painting) I did once when I had noone to help me and realized that I do it faster and better than the ones I was calling to help me. So I stopped calling for help.

Things I Don't Do

2010-11-16T06:00:00.000-06:00

This week I'm exploring my girliness, so I thought I'd make a list of all the things I don't do that maybe people think I should to be a self-sufficient person (because I'm ~~anal~~ meticulous like that).

I don't do cars. As in check oil or fluid or change tires.

I don't do taping - like around the edges when I paint.

I don't do yard work. At least not if I can help it.

I don't do grilling.

I don't fix things - like leaky pipes or clogged toilets or broken lights.

And I realize that some of you are reading this thinking "what a lightweight!!" or something similar, but let me explain..

I have 13 male cousins who all live in the greater Houston area and I only share them with 2 other girls (Amara doesn't count because she lives in Austin).

I have 4 Uncles.

Many guy friends.

Several incredibly capable girlfriends.

Perry - who likes to prove his manliness by doing shit around my house.

Alien - who is actually relatively handy.

Pa - who is a carpenter.

And Bean, who will do just about anything I ask him to.

So why the hell would I ever need to learn these things??

Yes, I realize that taping is ridiculously easy, but for some reason I do a craptastic job and everything I tape looks like shit. Plus it takes me years to tape a wall. So yeah, I could do it. Or - I could call Perry who does a much better job than I do in a quarter of the time.

Do you understand now??

It's not about being the helpless girl. Its about understanding my limits.

I know that I wouldn't do these things well, and I have many people around me who can do them better and faster and without breaking something - like their foot - so I leave these things to the experts, who almost all just happen to be men.

JJ Plays with Powertools

2010-11-15T06:00:00.000-06:00

I mentioned yesterday that I played with powertools this weekend. It was great fun.

See, Alien put this maze up for Oliver's Halloween party. And it consisted of 4 foot fence posts and black tarp running around the back patio.

Well the tarp came down November 1st. But in order to take the fence apart, you needed powertools.

A drill to be more specific.

But I figured Alien would get around to it in a week or so, so I didn't worry.

And then he didn't.

And Bean wasn't feeling great, so he didn't.

And Perry never does anything without being directly asked.

So for almost 2 weeks, I haven't been able to use my back gate or patio.

Saturday I got tired of it.

I called Perry and asked him if he would put the screwdriver thingy on the end of the drill for me when he came over to pick up Oliver's stuff (because I had no idea how to do that part). He did.

And off to take apart the fence I went.

At first I just did the part blocking the back gate, since it was really the pain in the ass, because our driveway goes to the back gate, not the front door, and I have a hard enough time getting Mom to pull all the way up in the driveway when the gate is unblocked, let alone when it's blocked.

Then I waited, because Bean was sleeping for work Saturday night.

When 3:00 rolled around and Bean left for work, I went out to finish the job.

I got all of it taken apart and set to the side and was working on the very last piece when the screw came out a little more quickly than I was expecting and the whole 6 foot section of fence fell on my right foot.

And it hurt like a sonnofabitch.

And I'm not positive that I didn't break something, since it's swollen and a little black around the edges.

Do you see why I don't play with powertools??

It's not because I'm not capable. It's because there is always someone else who can do it better and faster than me and without a fence falling on their foot.

Girly Girl

2010-11-14T08:47:00.002-06:00

Last weekend made me think alot.

Because I had to take down Oliver's maze from Halloween and I had to use a powertool which I'd never done before..

I kindof pride myself on not being a "Girly Girl".

I mean I am, I love clothes and shoes and jewelery. I don't enjoy anything remotely outdoorsy and I don't use alot of tools.

But while I do get weepy and emotional every once in awhile, I fully recognize that they are ridiculous feelings and don't usually hold men responsible when they piss me off then.

Also I have no problems with the ways guys think:

If there is boob on display, I will look.

If you let me fuck you on the first date, we will not be serious.

I've had entirely too many guy friends for this not to make sense to me.

So does that make me a girly girl?? I don't know.

But this week, I'm going to find out.

2 Lies and A Truth

2010-11-11T06:00:00.000-06:00

Last week I said:

1. The book I was so excited to read was written by a dead guy.
Mostly true. The series and the idea for the book and all of it's characters and general plot outline belong to a dead guy, Robert Jordan. The actual writer of it Brandon Sanderson who is very much alive and will be writing one more book for the series.

2. I finished it.
Absolutely true. I promised on Tuesday that it wouldn't take long.

3. I've been reading this series for about 5 years now.
Big fat lie. The only new book series I've picked up in the last 10 years is Twilight.
And this particular series I've been reading for about 15 years. More than half my life.

This week I'm changing it up a little (and hoping that the Drama Mama doesn't mind), since I'm not really one for following rules, and I'm bored, and I have nothing else to lie to you about.

So this week we're going to play 2 Lies and a Truth.

I got a new piercing last weekend. It was:

1. My eyebrow.

2. My nose.

3. The cartiledge on my left ear.

Which one is the truth??

Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

Blog Fodder or A Million Lies and No Truth

2010-11-10T06:00:00.000-06:00

I'm coming to realize that I bitch about my starter husband Perry a lot on here.

It's not really because I'm bitter, it's because I have to see him so damn much with him having the kids pretty much half of the time and having them at my house and all.

So I thought I'd explain that I really do have shit to bitch about..

Perry doesn't shower. Or at least he only did about once a week when we were married (if I was lucky).
He's a compulsive liar.
Because he's a compulsive liar I don't know if my daughter is deathly allergic to shellfish and beestings or if he's pulling that shit out of his ass.
And when I say compulsive liar I mean that for the first year of our marriage I thought he was an Army veteran.
Turns out he flunked out of boot camp.
He bullys Oliver.
Mercilessly.
His mother is insane.
By insane I mean that she believes that the Air Force has a special contingent of planes that fly around her house looking out for her.
And she calls CPS on people when she gets bored.
He's irrationally obsessed with image and wealth (or at least the illusion of it).
This combined with his only nodding aquaintance with the truth has some interesting results.
As in he will tell people that whatever he has or was or did was so high class, when it really wasn't.
It's actually really kind of funny to watch.
I'm pretty sure he's in the closet.
So is just about everyone else who's ever met him.
He trashes our house everytime he's here. Which is Wednesday, Thursday and every other weekend.
So I have to spend my time with the kids cleaning up his mess.
He also randomly moves shit.
Though I'm pretty sure he only does that to see if he can push me over the edge into certifiable insanity as opposed to mildly mad.
He's rude to Bean.
He doesn't have any clue how to help with homework or school projects, and doesn't remember to have the kids do either on his days.
He pronounces "gay" "gee".

Now do you see??

There's just so much to bitch about, I can't help myself.

It's like he's got a sign on his back that says:

Blog Fodder

Magic Words

2010-11-08T06:00:00.000-06:00

I don't have much, it is Monday after all, but I thought I'd share a quick Tallulah story with you.

A few days ago I told the kids it was Tallulah's bedtime and she came in to see me all cute and using her puppy dog eyes to great effect.

Tallulah: Mommy, Oliver and I are playing Playmobil, can we finish this game before bed?

Me: What do we say Tallulah?? Can we finish playing this game.....??

Tallulah: Now??

The Masterful Victory of Oliver the King of the Elves

2010-11-06T06:00:00.000-05:00

The hero was minding his own business walking through the forbidden forest.

He was unafraid. He'd faced all of these dangers before.

The fortress that could not be toppled trembled at his footstep.

The sasquatch followed obediently at his heels.

And the giant??

He was the hero's best friend.

No, there were no more mysteries here for him. It was as safe to him as a child's backyard. As it should be, since he was Oliver, King of the Elves.

But on this day something was different.

A serpent had crept into the forest and lay watching him.

As he talked to the giant and played with the sasquatch it came upon him in stealth.

But the serpent could not fool wise Oliver.

He snatched it from the air as it rose to strike.

The snake reared ready to change his target and strike at anything he could, but Oliver was fast.

He threw the serpent into the Bog of No Return, but not before the serpent gave him a parting gift, a bite to the eye.

As the hero watched his foe sink to oblivion, he felt the sting of venom. He screamed.

Luckily for him, the giant knew the way to the old witch's den. There he led the king. Who begged for a potion from the evil hag.

A potion she had. And once Oliver, the King of the Elves, demonstrated his courage and kindness, she gave it to him without delay, instantly healing his grevious injury.

So Oliver, the King of the Elves, our hero can once again stroll through the forbidden forest unhindered.
And the serpent?? He still sinks in the Bog of No Return.

A Bully, A Driveway and A Book

2010-11-04T23:00:00.001-05:00

There's this fanfuckingtastic little meme on Fridays..

I love it.

It's hosted by 2 of my favorite ladies - Boobies and Christy.

And all you have to do is give everyone and everything that pissed you off this week the big ole finger.

See the beauty??

For me this week hasn't been so bad but I can always find something to bitch about so..

Fuck you Perry. I'm sorry that your mom is crazy and your dad is mad, and that you felt unloved back in the day when you were the fat, stinky kid. But that does not give you the right to bully ~~our~~ my son.

Fuck you Mom. I realize that you're too ~~fat~~ lazy to walk that extra ten feet so you have to park at the end of the driveway forcing me to either park behind you or park in the street at my own house, but, if you want your car unblocked, do it yourself. After all that's what you make me do when you park there and I'm already home and then want to leave again.

Fuck you my book. I have to wait two more years for the end of the story and it ~~makes me want to jump off a building in despair~~ depresses me just a little. Don't you know that patience is not one of my virtues??

2 Truths and a Lie

2010-11-04T06:00:00.001-05:00

Last week I said:

1. My cousin is having a baby girl in January.

True. #2 is having a baby girl and she is due in January. The very cool thing about that is - I call him #2 because he is 2 out of 8 boys (and no girls). So Aunt and Uncle Straightlaced are VERY excited. I'm amused and can't wait to see my uncle with a baby girl, it should be interesting.

2. My very good friend Cara had a baby boy in September.

True. And he is quite possibly the most beautiful baby I have ever seen - mine included.

3. I am having a baby in May.

Sorry to disappoint - but if I were pregnant you would have heard Miley screaming at me in every corner of the known galaxy since she doesn't want to be pregnant and we're always pregnant together. And to whoever said they wanted to read a pregnancy blog, don't be too sad, mine wouldn't be very interesting, the only difference is I get crabby easier and I'm super fat.

This week:

1. The book I was so excited to read was written by a dead guy.

2. I finished it.

3. I've been reading this series for about 5 years now.

Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

Post-it Notes Tuesday and Tuesday Train

2010-11-02T06:00:00.001-05:00

JJ's Got a Big Ole Mouth

2010-11-01T19:18:00.003-05:00

Like you hadn't figured that out already..

But my friend Christy over at My Mad Mind (AKA the blog formerly known as I'm Just Sayin') has a widget that tracks just how big my mouth is, and I got this award for it:

It may very well be the first time my loud mouth has gotten me something good.

JJ's Drunken Blogging aka Why I Hate My Ex-Husband and Want to Kick Him in His Nonexistent Nut-sack

2010-10-30T23:07:00.005-05:00

First of all, I have to tell you that Bean is asleep and therefore cannot stop me from drunken blogging. Connie is awake, but she doesn't give a rat's ass what I'm doing, so we're all good.

Oliver had a Halloween party tonight.

My sorry ass is still a week behind because of Bean being in the hospital, so I didn't get him the invitations until seriously late - like yesterday. And he only invited like 5 people.

I invited Connie and Miley and Ophalia and Dirty - basically all of me and Bean's friends that have kids.

Connie, Miley and Ophalia came. Dirty did not. He's Bean's friend, the girls are mine. My friends rawk.

Anyway.

Oliver did invite one school friend vocally a week ago, and he really likes him, so I called his mother and confirmed. So he had one school friend there.

He didn't really care that there was only one.. He had his 3 best buds in the same party - Connie's boy, the Beave and School Boy.

So we had this Halloween party.

I made pigs in blankets wrapped all mummy-like and chicken fingers that looked a little (if you squint and turn your head just right) like actual fingers. And a big ass cupcake (because I wanted to). ANd punches, both kid punch and very adult punch.

And I decked out the house.

And I bought favors and a shit-load of candy.

Perry made ~~bad~~ brownies and cookies. He bought fruit snacks and craft supplies and 2 bags of ~~cheap off-brand~~ candy.

Alien (Oliver's biological father) made a creepy maze and bought us a fog machine and strobe light for said maze.

So this party was set up to be the party of the fucking year.

Enter Perry.

Oliver ran into the garage while running the maze and went to Perry, because he hurt himself. And Perry says:

If you're going to run into things then maybe you shouldn't do the maze at all

Y'all, Oliver is a little clumsy. And a lot emotional.

So when he trips over shit he wants a parent to coddle him.

I realize that he's almost 11, but really is too much to look at the injury and give him a fucking hug??

I found Oliver hysterical in the house, where he told me:

I thought this was going to be a fun Halloween party, but Daddy's here and he's ruining it.

He wouldn't have said that to Tallulah.

It's hard to ignore what he says when he's been my dad for 7 years.

I bet he never even liked me.

Normally, I'm pretty diplomatic and I try to just deflect not actively jump in, but Oliver was hysterical and this was a party he's been looking forward to for a year, and I had been drinking the grown-up punch for about 3 hours.

So I pulled Perry into my room (the only kid-free room) and told him that if he couldn't say something nice to my son to not say anything at all.

And you have no idea the level of self control it took to not kick him the fuck out of my house.

Little Miss Perfect

2010-10-30T06:00:00.001-05:00

Tallulah is doing The March of Dimes reading thing.
I tried to avoid it by throwing away her envelope.

Because they had pictures the 2nd week of school.
And on the 3rd week, Oliver had a fundraiser.
And on the 4th week, Oliver had pictures.
And on the 5th week, Oliver had a book fair.
And now Tallulah has The March of Dimes.
And Oliver has a Band fundraiser.
And next week is her book fair.
And that weekend is the school “Family Fun Day”.

And Dad has yet to offer any monetary contributions to all of this.
Therefore I’m broke.

So I threw the envelope away.

And Tallulah went to school the next day, told her teacher she had lost the envelope and got a new one.

Then she came home and read 5 books.

And last night, she read 13 more.
And tonight she’s planning on at least 2 more (but that’s only if she can’t find more than that).

Who is this child??

How did I end up with this overachieving perfectionist??

I may be a little anal now that I'm an adult, but that’s mostly because I’m lazy.

I don’t want to have to look for shit. So I want it left where I can find it easily.

And I don’t want to have to iron, so I want the clothes put away just so.

And I hate having to spray for ants and roaches, so I want the damn dishes done and the counters wiped down.

But its only because I’m lazy, and the alternative to doing things my way is more work. And I hate more work.

So how did my daughter turn out to be overeager??

But she’s been this way since birth.

When she was 18 months old she used to line up her Scooby Doo figures and put all the Daphnes together, and all the Freds together and the Velmas and the Shaggys and the Scoobys. All in one perfectly straight little line.

I don’t get it. It baffles me.
I also love it.

Because life will be so much easier for her.

She won’t have to work super hard to make sure that she remembers the due dates for things so that she can be sure and do it the night before.
Everything will be completed and tidy 2 days after it was assigned.

And she won’t have to worry about people randomly showing up at her house and seeing it messy.
Because it will never be messy.

And she won’t have to feel self-conscious about how she looks.
Because her hair is always fixed and her clothes always match.

I’m happy for her.

But I don’t get her.

2 Truths and a Lie

2010-10-28T06:00:00.003-05:00

Last week I said:

1. Marlene is the craftiest person I don't actually know.

True. I don't actually know Marlene and she is super crafty. If you go check out her site, you'll see that she makes these uber cute cards, and I don't even know what I'd use them for, but I want all of them.

2. I almost never understand Marlene's "Word of the Day".

Lie. I actually usually do understand them most of the time. I realize that I usually blog in little, easy words (I talk that way too) but I'm the girl who's five year old self asked her father why he'd chosen her name and got this answer:

Because I was looking for a polysyllabic name with multiple derivatives

And I understood exactly what he meant because that's just how the show-off talked. All the time.

3. Marlene comments on my blog all the time even though I never have any intelligent comments to leave on hers.

Very, very true. Marlene always checks me out and leaves fun comments (especially on Thursdays) but all I ever have to say on her posts is:

Too cute!!

Or something else that means exactly the same thing.

Because I am absolutely not crafty.

This Week:

1. My cousin is having a baby girl in January.

2. My very good friend Cara had a baby boy in September.

3. I am having a baby in May.

Take your guess and come back next week to find the answers..

And don't forget to link up and play!! I'm totally addicted, you will be too.

Mean, Cruel and Heartless

2010-10-27T06:00:00.001-05:00

Oliver brought home his conduct sheet the other day. There were 2 C’s, 1 B and 1 blank space, and I have no idea what that means.

B’s are pretty normal for him. He just can’t manage to be quiet. Or sit still. Or follow directions. And most teachers recognize that and don’t give him a whole lot of crap for it. So he gets B’s.

But C’s?? That’s a slippery slope. Pretty soon the C’s turn into D’s and the D’s turn into F’s.

And I hate to punish him for talking conduct marks. Mostly because I’ve come to realize over the last 6 years that he just can’t help it, he has a big mouth. But also because if I did then the boy would be grounded every day.
So I normally let those slide.

This time I had to crack the whip.

We talked and I told him that if they weren’t pulled up into B’s by next week that his weekend plans would be in jeopardy.

Because I’m mean.

That was the same night that he didn’t get to go to fencing because he hadn’t finished his homework in time.

Because I’m cruel.

And then, the next morning he called me at work moderately hysterical because the dogs had eaten his conduct sheet.

I laughed.

Because I’m heartless.

The Super Frightful Ever Spooky Pants-Less Dementor

2010-10-25T19:38:00.001-05:00

Oliver adores Halloween. He always has.

His favorite show when he was 2 was Scooby Doo – and his very first crush was Daphne. And I let him watch it because he adored it.

Everyone told me that it would cause him to have nightmares, but really, what child doesn’t have some nightmares, and he loved the idea of the boogey man.

Granted, I did have to sweep the room before bed to check and make sure the boogey man had gone home for the night, but really, nothing unmanageable.

Anyway, not the point (which I am getting to, I promise..

Because Oliver loves Halloween so much, he’s convinced his sister that it is the best holiday ever, and since she would really like to be able to follow him around like a puppy dog (and occasionally does, literally), it wasn’t very hard.

So every year we’ve built upon our Halloween decorations.

3 years ago we got this frightful tree thing. I’m not really sure if it’s supposed to be a wicked witch or a tree monster, but I like it. And it cackles whenever someone walks by (or when the sun sets, or the wind blows, or all the time really.. and it took Bean almost 2 weeks to find the source of the cackling after I put it up..).

2 years ago we started the graveyard in the front. Now we have about 12 tombstones, and yes, they fall down all the time, but I love the fact that they look better when my grass isn’t mowed, so I get to be ~~lazy~~ creative.

Last year we got these bone wind chimes that shake whenever they hear a sound - or at least they do when the batteries are good.

And inside we have spider web curtains and table cloths, and pumpkin candle holders and a spooky candle tree for the mantle.

I love it.

Our new additions this year were some cauldrons (hanging from chains above my bar so that Bean can hit his head on them every morning while making me coffee) and Oliver’s favorite:

I’m really not sure what it is. Maybe the Grim Reaper?? Maybe a Zombie. Maybe just a spooky skull guy in a black cloak..

No idea.

But he’s hovering in our front window ready to scare the shit out of you whenever you walk up and belatedly notice him. (or when you get up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and see him out of the corner of your eye when your husband is working and you’re home alone with the children..)

Anyway.

We have fun at Halloween.

This year there’s a Harry Potter theme (which we've done before, only Oliver was a super cute Harry Potter and Tallulah was Hedwig - seriously, it was the cutest thing ever!!).

Tallulah is going as Hermione.
Oliver is going as a dementor.
I am going as Professor McGonagall.
Bean has to work.

Last weekend the kids tried on their costumes.

Tallulah looked very sweet in her get up.

Oliver looked hilarious.

For starters, the mask is too big.

Second, the cloak is too short.

And third, the ghoulish dementor hands that he had to have?? Those he can’t get on without an assload of pulling and straining on my part.

So I told him he’d have to wear black pants with it.

His response??

Or no pants.

I was howling.

I don’t know if you guys have read Harry Potter, but a dementor does not have pasty pale, scrawny little legs.
And that’s not even mentioning that parts of the cloak come up to his crotch.

Perry has them on Halloween. Since he refused to trade with me.

So he can have fun taking Hermione and the Pants-less Dementor out Trick-or-Treating.

Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?!?!

2010-10-25T06:00:00.001-05:00

I DO!!!!!

I'm sure you've noticed my new look.. I love it more than my favorite ~~vibrator~~ ~~dildo~~ marital aid.

The fucking fantabulous Drama Mama, Stephanie over at The Scoop on Poop did this for me.

Don’t you love it?!?!

I do.

And if you look over there on my right sidebar you'll see my super cute new button. You should grab it, because it’s freaking awesome.

If you want your very own super cool new layout, go here. She’s awesome and I love her and she may be my new best friend (sorry Miley).

Fanfuckingtastic Friday

2010-10-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

Boobies has this absolutely amazing little meme on Fridays..

It's an open invitation to give a big ole' fawk you out to whomever you'd like. (Except I don't fawk, I fuck.. If I don't watch my language for my kids, I'm not watching it for you, sorry.)

I alluded to this on Tuesday with my Post-Its, but I thought I’d elaborate for y’all.
One of my fabulous co-workers left a note lying around.
It was found, and it said this:

"Cutting Costs:
Diversify/Combine postions
Do away with Sec position”

That’s me.

I was going to just let it go, but my VP, Anal Boss, came in the office on Tuesday and I started freaking the fuck out.

Fanfuckingtastic!! He’s here to fire me!!

All day long.

I couldn’t handle it, so I asked him.

He said my job wasn’t in danger.

Awesome.

But who wrote the note??

I have no idea.

I have suspicions.

Mostly centering around the 3 guys in the office who know what the word “diversify” means. And since one of those is my husband, that just makes 2.

So fuck you whoever wrote that note.

And I'm still not clear on the whole thing, but somehow Christy has something to do with Fawk You Fridays and I love her.

2 Truths and a Lie

2010-10-21T06:00:00.000-05:00

Last week I said:

1. Oliver has decided to do Science Fair again this year.

True. He wants to do Science Fair with his little buddy, they want to see if you can train rat dogs better with treats as a reward or by using praise. He loves science.

2. I absolutely detest Science Fair.

Very, very true. I hate having to prod him along and every year so far I've had to do vast amounts of work to "help" him.

3. He wants Tallulah to help him with his project and she's ridiculously excited about it.

Lie. She's pissed. She doesn't want him to use her rat dog.

This week, I thought since Marlene has gotten every single 2 Truths and a Lie right (and I do mean every single one) that I'd make it all about her.

1. Marlene is the craftiest person I don't actually know.

2. I almost never understand Marlene's "Word of the Day".

3. Marlene comments on my blog all the time even though I never have any intelligent comments to leave on hers.

Take your guess and come back next week for the reveal!!

My Name is Rowlf and I'm the Cutest Puppy Ever

2010-10-20T06:00:00.001-05:00

Y'all have met my puppy, Rowlf..

This is normally what he looks like..

But right now he has a really bad haircut..

I am still so in love with him.. But really, to be very honest, he's not the brightest crayon in the box.

For starters, it hasn't occurred to him that he's a 60 lb goldendoodle. He thinks he's an 8 lb rat dog.

And when we go to the park or something he just does whatever the other dogs do.

So if there are good dogs there, he's good, but if there are poorly behaved pitbulls who don't listen to their owners, he just does what they do.

I'm finally cat free. So even though I don't have a doggie door, now that the weather's nice I can leave the back door open and don't have to crate the dogs because Tallulah's ~~little bitch~~ baby ~~likes to crap on the floor in front of people's bedroom doors~~ has accidents, so she needs to be able to go out whenever she wants.

The rat dogs picked up on the door being open immediately, especially Dodger, because he's way too smart for his own good.

But Rowlf just sat by the back door looking at me:

Can I go out?? Huh?? Huh??

I literally had to drag his 60 lb ass out.. and then I didn't see him for an hour.

He was sitting outside by the backdoor:

Can I come in now, Mom?? Can I?? Can I??

Post-It Notes Tuesday

2010-10-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

Out of The Office

2010-10-18T06:00:00.001-05:00

This last week has been crazy..

I was out of the office almost the entire week.. and this week I get to do it all over again..

I've been at our main office in Galveston working with my Work Wife (who I love) because she's swamped, and I'm not..

And though I love her to pieces and she would be busy no matter what, I have to say, after working with her for a week that she is crazily disorganized.. or maybe she just organizes in her own way. I don't know, but I couldn't find anything in her office.. Hell, she had 8000 emails in her inbox!!

Anyway, I have to go help her again next week, which is awesome, because then I don't have to see Redneck Boss and Coon Ass Boss and FNG..

While I was gone however, I did have a run-in with Napolean Boss.

(are you noticing that I have a lot of bosses?? That's right, I am the dirt on the peon's shoes)

Napolean Boss is new. And contrary to his blog name, he doesn't have Napolean Syndrome - but he would be fully within his rights to, since he's all of 5'3", maybe.

But I like Napolean Boss. He gets shit done.

I call him and tell him I need something taken care of and that day it's taken care of.

The other bosses take at least a week.

But last Friday he decided that I need to get on a boat.

That's right a fucking boat.

As in the kind that is on the water.

And to top it off, it was a broken boat, on the water.

I don't know if you've ever gotten onto a working boat. But at least at our terminal, you have to step off of a concrete slab that is the dry land, onto a log (that looks like it could rot away at any moment) that is attached to the slab and then up onto the ledge thing on the boat and then climb your happy ass over the side to get on.

And my almost 200 lb self was doing this while shaking violently with the help of a 150 lb man who is 3 inches shorter than I am.

By the time I got on the boat I thought I was going to vomit.

And Napolean Boss says, "See! Now you can say you were on a boat! Just as stable as land."

Except that it's not because it's moving!!!!

So we went upstairs and downstairs and into the wheelhouse and back.

And the place he decides to get off the floating deathtrap required me to jump (yes, I said jump) from the boat to the concrete slab.

I don't like him anymore. In fact I hate him. And I may demand the waive my drug test if they ever make me do it again.

And he wants me to go on a boat ride this week.. As in where the engines are on and there are other floating deathtraps around you to crash into.

Can I call in sick with an anxiety attack??

Fantabulous Fucking Friday!!

2010-10-15T06:00:00.003-05:00

My absofuckinglutely favorite day of the week is here. Head on over to Boobies and link up to give the world the collective finger.

This week, I'm sticking to my theme, and I just have one:

Cancer sucks ass. I hate it. And fuck it. Fuck it all to hell.

And after you're done telling the world to stick it.. Check out the fabulous Ms. CB.

I love her. But you must have a SLUTCODE to participate, and since I'm so cool, I have it.

Purple Monkey Balls

Do you see why I love this bitch??

Skin

2010-10-14T06:00:00.002-05:00

I was 15 years old. It was my best friend's 18th birthday. My best friend in the entire world. The best friend I have ever had. And he called me to come over to his house and shave his head.

He had leukemia. The most common childhood cancer.

Within a few months he was in remission. His hair grew back and all was right in the world.

2 1/2 years later he was sick again.

Before his 21st birthday he was dead.

Of course adults get leukemia. But something like 25% of all childhood cancers are leukemia and the mortality rate over five years is something more than 25%*.

So why when this disease kills our children is there no crazy, all-consuming awareness campaign??

I love my boobs, and your boobs and everyone else's boobs, but dammit, I love our kids more.

*Sorry, I completely realize that if I want to bitch about something, I probably should have some more solid numbers for you. My only excuse is that it's 2AM as I write this, and I didn't want to give you solid wrong numbers and I can't find anywhere that comes right out and says it, they want you to figure it out and I'm not capable at the moment.. But if you'd like to look, you could go here or here.

It Took Ball

2010-10-13T06:00:00.001-05:00

I've talked about it before here, and I'm sure I will again, but in my little "Cancer Week" posts, I can't forget my own cancer survivor..

He is 2 years into remission. And it's fucking fantabulous.

But I have to say (sorry babe) that it didn't have to be the long ass road that he took to recovery.

Not that I have many men reading me here, but ladies, make your husbands check their junk!! (or check it for them..)

Here's the signs for you:

A painless lump or swelling in either testicle.
A change in how the testicle feels.
A dull ache in the lower abdomen or the groin.
A sudden build-up of fluid in the scrotum.
Pain or discomfort in a testicle or in the scrotum.

I'm not giving you all the juicy details on Bean, but he (like all men) doesn't like the doctor.

Testicular cancer is one of the most curable cancers there is. But like all other cancers, early detection is the key.

I know boys are attached to their balls, but really??

Because of Lance Armstrong, nut cancer much more accessible lately, and that's fantastic. But you still have to do the research or *gasp* ask your doctor.

Nut Cancer can kill, it almost killed my husband, but it doesn't have to.

The Ugly Cancers

2010-10-12T06:00:00.000-05:00

If you didn't see my post yesterday, please look over it and come back.

As you read there, I support breast cancer awareness. I really and truly do.

However..

There are other cancers. Ugly cancers. Cancers that people cringe when you talk about them.

Remember Farrah Fawcett??

Anal Cancer.

Noone wants to talk about that. Or buy/wear little brown ribbons in support of Anal Cancer awareness.

There is no "Lung Cancer Awareness Month" (or if there is, then it's so poorly advertised that I haven't the foggiest when it is).

But here we are smack dab in the middle of Think Pink month.

Lung cancer kills more every year than breast cancer and is harder to treat. And prostate cancer isn't far behind. But there is no special awareness month for them.

Because boobs are pretty. Everyone likes boobs.

Either you're a man and they make you feel warm and fuzzy, or you're a big breasted woman and proud, or you have itty bitty titties and you have boob-envy.

Everyone likes boobs.

So of course everyone wants to "Save the TaTa's".

But shouldn't there be more of a campaign for the ugly cancers??

What about skin cancer?? Or Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma??

What about Leukemia??

We should be having just a "Cancer Awareness Month" and giving information on all cancers. Because they all kill. Even the ugly ones.

Save the Ta-Ta's

2010-10-11T06:00:00.001-05:00

I love October. Mostly because I love pink. And in October everything you could ever need from spatulas to trashcans to Oreos come in pink. And I love it.

But..

Really everyone knows its not just about pink, its about boobs. Or more specifically, boob cancer.

Tomorrow, I'll have a rant for you and Wednesday and Thursday I'll have other cancer posts, but for today, let's talk about breasts, baby.

My grandmother, on my father's side was a teacher. She was kind-hearted and patient. She was gorgeous. And talented.

She was a devoted wife even though my grandfather was a cad.

She could find anything that anyone had lost.

She was gentle and considerate, loving and giving.

She also had breast cancer.

Everything that I've told you above is pure hearsay to me, because she died in 1979. I never met her.

When I was a little girl, I used to think that if only Grandma were here then someone would have understood me. That if she were alive then I would have had an ally.

I have no idea if that's true. Just like I have no idea if any of the above is true.

I never knew her.

But I do know that she didn't have to die.

She didn't find the lump until it was late. And she didn't do anything about it until later.

I could quote you facts and figures, but you can read them for yourself here.

The major point is that breast cancer is not a death sentence. It is a treatable illness.

But not if you don't take care of yourself and do your exams as you should.

No child should lose their mother, or grandmother or aunt.

No woman should lose a friend.

And a breast is not worth your life.

It's Friday!!!!!!!!!!! About Fucking Time..

2010-10-08T06:00:00.001-05:00

Boobies has this absoilutely amazing little meme on Fridays..

Only if you don't follow her rules, she'll shove a stiletto up your ass, so beware.

My oh my.. this week did not really start off well and no doubt it will end the same way..

Though I am very excited that Connie's coming to visit this weekend. I heart her like you wouldn't believe.

And onto my bitching..

Fuck you all my favorite authors, especially Mr. Ihavetoomanymiddleinitials. Can't you guys get on some alternating writing schedule or something?? I have nothing to read, and when I do I'll have like 12 books, and then nothing again for like 2 years.

Fuck you Perry. Really?? Using Uncle Youhaven'ttalkedtoin8years's death to gain sympathy from people is pathetic. And rude. He was a really great guy and I get that you're sad, but I know you, and you're not sad in a hysterical "I have to go home right now or I'll breakdown in front of the kids way", you're sad in a moderately morose "I really should have gone to see him sometime and now I'll never be able to" way. Really, can't you be honest for once?? People might like you better if you were.

Fuck you again Perry. Really you can't trade weekends with me so that I can do a Halloween Party for the kids?? Of, course you can come id you really want, but the kids are friends with my friends' kids and Alien is going to be there and you can't stand him. So fine, have it your weekend, but I don't want to hear you bitching.

Fuck you people who got mad at me for not calling them when Bean was in the hospital. It wasn't really that serious and honestly, if you're not Mom & Dad Bean then really it wasn't any of your business if Bean and I didn't choose to make it so. Plus, if you'd asked to be on my real Facebook friends list, then you would have known, but you didn't, so shut the hell up.

Fuck you microfiches. I barely remember you, and now I know why - I have blocked out another bad memory, which I am very good at, thank you.

That's about it.. Mostly just some minor irritants..

How's your week?? Do you have any fuck you's to give out??

2 Truths and a Lie

2010-10-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

Last week I said:

1. My sister is her own second cousin.

True. My sister (as in my mother's daughter) was adopted by my mother's 1st cousin, thus making her her own second cousin.

2. My sister is the first born, last born and only child all rolled into one.

Also true. She is my mother's first born. Her adopted mother's only and her adopted father's last born.

3. I am a middle sister.

Very, very false. I'm the baby. Hadn't you noticed that about me??

And moving on to this week:

1. Oliver has decided to do Science Fair again this year.

2. I absolutely detest Science Fair.

3. He wants Tallulah to help him with his project and she's ridiculously excited about it.

Take your guess and come back next week for the reveal!!

Fencing - As in the Kind You Do With a Sword, Not a Barrier Between You and Annoying Neighbors

2010-10-06T06:00:00.000-05:00

A long time ago in a ghetto far, far away, there was a guy that taught with my mother.
I annoyed the living shit out of him.

Every football game, every school function, I would walk up to him and say "Why????" and he would answer "Why not?" and then we'd repeat. For hours.

I never claimed I was a good child.

Plus I was all of five. Give me a little credit.

If you fast forward 13 years, Mr. WhyNot was still teaching with my mother, only his classroom had moved next to hers.

And Oliver was completely fascinated by him.

It must be genetic.

I have no idea really what Mr. WhyNot teaches all day long, Marine Biology maybe, but after school, the time that Oliver would go see Grandma on occassion, Mr. WhyNot changed clothes and became the high school fencing coach.

Keep in mind, that as soon as Oliver understood what was going on around him and had enough fine motor control to grasp things, every object that came to hand was a sword.

So Mr. WhyNot's afternoon practices were freaking amazing to him. It also helped that he had some blow-up foils that he would let Oliver play with.

And then he mentioned to Oliver that he could begin actual fencing lessons when he turned 8.

So we did.

And he loves it, as I knew he would.

But as I've said before, I hate it.

It's a very disorganized little group and they change practice locations and times without letting you know, plus the practice is late in the evening and that sucks balls.

But it is really amusing to watch the little kids fence.

The haven't gotten those graceful steps down yet, so mostly they flail around waving swords and trying to whack one another. And they jump all over the place trying to imitate the graceful steps of the older kids..

It's hilarious. Usually it ends up with one of them practically chasing the other across the gym..

Here's a picture from Oliver's first tournament..

Like I said, he loves it. No idea why.

But we will continue with the damn fencing lessons. Though sometimes it feels to me like they are payback from Mr. WhyNot to me for all those stupid questions.

Post-it Notes Tuesday

2010-10-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Bean

2010-10-04T06:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Bean,
Part of me hopes that you read this post, and part of me really hopes that you don't. But I need to get this out, and I hope that no matter what, you'll understand that.

You terrified me this weekend. When you fell in the kitchen I thought you'd had a stroke or a heart attack or an embolism or something..
I think my heart truly stopped beating.

I like to think that I can handle things, and I know that you like to think that I can, but in that split second, I felt like I had gone back to two years ago. And all of the fear and all of the pain came rushing back at me.

And then I ran to you and you were disoriented, but ok.

Still I was so scared.

I don't think you understand the depth of my relief when everything turned out to be caused by dehydration.

I felt like a mountain had been lifted from my shoulders, and for the first time in hours, I could breathe.

And when I got to bring you home - that was like the world began to spin again.

I'm not saying this because I want you to be upset that you worried me. I just want you to know that I'm not as strong as you think I am. And I don't want you to stop showing weakness in front of me, because I promise, my imagination is far worse than your reality. I just want you to understand that at any point I could break. Because I'm not as strong as you are. And the thought of losing you is completely unbearable to me.

I'm so unbelievably glad that you're home. And that this time, at least, everything is fine.

But my heart is already looking for next time, and bracing myself for a fall.

You've asked me before how I could think that you would leave me (apparantly there's been some sleep-talking). And I've never really answered that question:

I don't think that you would leave me voluntarily. But I do think you would leave.

Blissfully Imperfect

2010-10-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

Last week I read a few posts on perfection (you can read them here and here).

And they got me thinking.

I'd already been struggling with this issue and had contemplated a post about it several times, but the words wouldn't come. Now they're flowing easily.

I often feel incredibly inadequate. I'm so tired all the time that I pysically can't spend as much time with my kids as want. And I can't manage to keep my house as clean as I'd like.

I'm not strong enough to stand up to my mother and demand that my household be run by my standards instead of hers.

I can't control my body - it refuses to cooperate with my efforts to be healthy. And with my weight out of control, it's wreaking havoc with my self-esteem (which wasn't that great to begin with).

But why?? Why is my self-esteem so horrible??

I am a good person. I give of myself to others. I'm a great friend. I may not be the world's best mom, but my kids know that I love them and accept them for who they are without prejudice.
I take care of my mother to the best of my ability and I'm a damn good secretary.

I'm even relatively nice to my ex!!

I should feel proud of myself. I should feel like I am worthy of anything that comes my way.

Instead, there's a part of me that's convinced that I deserve the many miseries that have happened in my life.

But why??

Because I, like so many others, want more. And because I believe in perfection.

Even though I know that there's no such thing.

We are all so convinced by facades. So when we see the beautiful, thin mother of two immaculate and quiet children, we wonder why we can't have her "perfect" life and never stop to think about how there's no way that it's perfect.

Because there is no perfect.

Maybe she has a miserable marriage, or money troubles. Hell, maybe she has an eating disorder so that she can stay that thin, maybe she's a bitch and has no friends. It doesn't matter what it is - there is something that makes her and her life less than perfect.

Everything is balanced.

Maybe I do have a crappy ass boss.

But I have a job.

Maybe I have trouble with my mother.

But I have a mother who loves me.

Maybe I struggle with my weight.

But my children don't.

Maybe I'm tired.

But I'm alive.

And that's enough.

How can it not be??

Two years ago, I found out how short life is when I almost lost Bean, the love of my life, my soul-mate.

Life is too short to worry about not being perfect.

It's too short to compare yourself and your life to someone else's with dissatisfaction.

Every life is blissfully imperfect.

And it's time we revel in that.

I'm a Douche-canoe, but a Rockstar One..

2010-10-02T17:00:00.000-05:00

I got awards.. like 3 of them, but my email ate them before I could post them and I can't figure out where they were from.
So if you were the one who gave me an award, then
I'm sorry!! I really did want it, I just never got onto the actual computer to post it..

Anyway.
I did find one, from Glitterfrog..

I'm not really sure I qualify for anything with the word "sweet" in it, but I still love it..

Like all awards, it has rules (grrr)..

1. Acknowledge the person who gave you the award.
2. Name 10 things you like.
3. Pass the award to 10 other bloggers.

1. Thank you Vicki!! I love my award.

2. Hmmmmmm.............
1. Bean.
2. Oliver.
3. Tallulah.
4. Music.
5. Movies, but not the stupid comedy kind.
6. Babies.
7. Puppies, when they aren't mine.
8. Shoes.
9. Purses.
10. Chocolate.

3. As you know, I'm not really one for following rules, so I'm not passing this on to 10 others.. I'm just doing one.

Judie from Rogue Artists.

She super sweet and witty and occassionally snarky, and I love her.

I am an Admitted Blog-Stalker

2010-10-02T08:00:00.000-05:00

And not in the good way, like how all of you faithfully stalk me.

In the bad way, like those people who read your blog fanatically and never comment, or when they do it's anonymous (though, for the record I've never left an anonymous comment, I still have a little pride).

I stalk my sister Amara's blogs.

She has something like 4. Which I do too, so really I'm not judging.

See the deal is that I really do miss her. Even though I'd like to kick her in the shins and then punch her in the trachea, I miss her. But more importantly, I really miss her kids, my niece and my nephew. And so I blog-stalk her to find out about them.

I know that I shouldn't because most of the time it just upsets me, but I do it anyway.

What do you want??

I come by my martyrhood honestly.

So yesterday I went to check in on my niece, Clementine and see how she's doing.

And I found a post titled: "Do Unto to Others".

Really??

Do unto others. As in the Bible verse, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

You're shitting me.

This coming from the woman who barely speaks to her mother for no good reason, and never speaks to her sister, also for no good reason.

There's even a little thing in the post about how she's trying to model behavior for her children.

The delusions of others astound me. Really they do.

Maybe I should have been laughing, because really, the hypocritical are amusing. Plus there's the whole "someday it will all come back to bite her in the ass" thing. But mostly I was just hurt.

So, I started thinking (which is never a good sign) and I think that maybe I've been looking at Amara wrong. Instead of being angry with her for being a raging bitch, maybe I should look at the other angle.

And I've changed my mind. I want to be Amara.

Or at least I want some of her superpowers.

You know, like the one that lets you believe that you look HOT in daisy dukes when you weigh 200 lbs, or that you are a model of caring and consideration right after you've made your mother cry??

Or the one where one day you can decide you don't care about someone/something and then magically, you don't??

Yup. I want these.

My world would be fantabulous.

I would be the hottest thing ever. My husband would have a six-pack and my children would be angels. And then I could not give a rats ass about anyone who ~~hurt me~~ pissed me off.

AND a PT Cruiser would be the coolest car anyone could ever drive.

Fawk You Friday and Blogstalk Friday

2010-10-01T06:00:00.002-05:00

It's Friday!! Finally. This week has dragged ass!!

And it's time to send out all of my big "Fuck You's"..

Tedious reports that make my eyes hurt. And I'm a little concerned that you could use that description for 90% of my job, and yet if asked I would still say I liked it. What does that say about me??

Phone that won't stay charged. You suck and not just the life out of the battery.

Hotmail

Fencing

Control freak teacher at Oliver's school

UPS - that package was supposed to be here a week earlier than it was. And I missed Bean's birthday because of you.

And on a totally not related note.

Today is Tallulah's 7th birthday!! Happy Birthday Princess.

2 Truths and a Lie

2010-09-30T06:00:00.001-05:00

Last week I said:

1. The road trip that we're taking this weekend will be Bean's first with the kids.

Absolutely true. Bean and I have taken several road trips together, but never had the opportunity to take the kids.

2. Bean and I have been stuck in a car together for 18 hours straight and no blood was shed.

True. That's how far Colorado is from Houston, and we like to drive straight through.

3. I have been stuck in a car with the kids for 18 hours straight, and will never do it again.

Big fat lie. I've never been stuck in the car with the kids for more than 12 hours, and actually they were angels.

As for this week:

1. My sister is her own second cousin.

2. My sister is the first born, last born and only child all rolled into one.

3. I am a middle sister.

Take your guess and come back next week for the reveal!!

I'm Too Random for My Blog

2010-09-29T06:00:00.002-05:00

It's a random kind of day and its Wednesday so I guess it works out well.

I hate Tuesdays.
Mostly because Oliver has fencing.
Which he loves.
But I don't.
In fact I loathe it.
Purely because practice is at 7:00. So I get to go home, relax and then I have to go out again.
This Tuesday I was particularly pissed.
Because I had a shittastic day at work
And because Glee is back and I couldn't watch it.
Oliver got a notebook taken away from him at school.
By a teacher
Because it had a skull and crossbones on the front
A very cartoony skull and crossbones.
Mommy's not pleased.
Tallulah got "caught being good" at school
So she's a "wise owl" now.
She's thrilled.
Sometimes I really don't understand her.
She's so very perfect
And that's something I've never been accused of.
I just finished listening to the entire "Wheel of Time" series on audiobook
While working.
Because the next book is due out in November.
But now I'm bored.
I'm thinking about doing it again
But I'm scared the new book will come out before I'm done.

Post-it Notes Tuesday

2010-09-28T06:00:00.001-05:00

Poor Rowlf..

2010-09-25T06:00:00.000-05:00

In case y'all don't remember, this is my baby:

His name is Rowlf and I am in love with his floppiness. I love that he frequently looks like a big throw rug. I also love his personality. He's so mellow it's unreal and I love it.

We've taken him to the groomers before and they did a good job, but they didn't really trim his face enough, so it grew back pretty quickly.

So I sent Bean to take him back and asked him to instruct them to trim his face a little better..

They did.

My big wonderful floppy dog has been turned into a fucking poodle. And yes, I realize that he's a goldendoodle and therefore is a poodle (or at least he's 75% a poodle), but if I'd wanted a fucking poodle, I would have bought a fucking poodle instead of an adorable floppy mop.

I'm so upset. I literally cried when Bean brought him home.

I guess it's good that he can see, but his Halloween costume is ruined.. He was going to be Chewbacca.

Fawk You Friday

2010-09-24T06:00:00.002-05:00

It's been so long since I participated in Fawk You Friday, but I'm back!!!!!!

In case you've forgotten, I don't really fawk.. I fuck. So maybe this post is not for the easily offended (but then neither is my blog really..) sorry!!

Fuck you golf. Really. Fuck you. I didn't even play in the fucking work golf tournament, but I am sore and exhausted.

Fuck you scheduling people. I don't know who made the schedule, but scheduling a golf tournament on Monday and Wednesday when there is a major meeting on Tuesday was piss poor planning.

Fuck you laundry. I'm seriously considering burning all dirty laundry instead of washing it from now on.

Fuck you Cancer. You fucked my husband up, and for the record, I'm not okay with it.

And though I'm not feeling this yet, I will be by this afternoon so here's a preemptive -

Fuck you road trips with children. They should replace chinese water torture with you. Really.

Don't Forget!!

2010-09-23T19:00:00.001-05:00

Fawk You Friday on Friday with Boobies, Babies and a Blog..

It's super fun and therapeutic.

Who a deserves a big ole finger from you this week??

2 Truths and a Lie

2010-09-23T06:00:00.000-05:00

I didn't play last week, so I have nothing to reveal to you.. As for This week:

1. The road trip that we're taking this weekend will be Bean's first with the kids.

2. Bean and I have been stuck in a car together for 18 hours straight and no blood was shed.

3. I have been stuck in a car with the kids for 18 hours straight, and will never do it again.

Take your guess and come back next week for the reveal!!

Three Thousand Words

2010-09-22T12:00:00.003-05:00

I don't really know what the deal is with Wordless Wednesday, but I'm beat and I finally got a card adapter, so I can post pictures I've been promising you guys..
And they say a picture's worth a thousand words, so here's three thousand.

(If you didn't read about the shower, you should go here. If you missed cake you should go here)

This is Aria - aka Mrs. Superman. I didn't actually promise y'all a picture of her, but here it is anyway.

This is what the tables looked like at the shower. My contributions were the teapots and mugs. Aria's just that crafty.

And there's my cake. Adorable, huh??

This is Me..

2010-09-21T19:36:00.000-05:00

So now that Miley's all out of the closet and has actually posted a picture of herself, I was kindof thinking that there's not much point in me not - since anyone who's known me anytime in the last 15 years knows that Miley and I do everything together (I mean seriously - her son is like 2 weeks younger than Oliver and her daughter is just a teensy bit younger than Tallulah - and her divorce came about 6 months after mine. It's a little freaky sometimes).

So here you go.

This is quite possibly my favorite picture of myself (aside from my wedding pictures where I looked pretty damn hot). I'm not sure why, but it is. And I worked really hard to take it - like 15 poses in a row hard.

And now you know.

The Monster I Created

2010-09-20T06:00:00.001-05:00

This year Oliver’s riding the bus home from school and there are a couple of scheduling issues that might cause him to be home alone for a few minutes every once in a blue moon.

So I bought him a cell phone.

Before you get all riled up about how a 10 year old doesn’t need a cell phone, let me tell you that we don’t have a house phone. So really he kind of does, and it does not go to school with him.

After I bought him this phone I put a few numbers into his contact list and told him in no uncertain terms that he is not allowed to call anyone else.

Everything was fine. I would get texts from him when he was in his room asking things like “Can I get a snack?” or “How are you?”. But for the most part he just answered it if it rang.

And then his cousin/best friend got a cell.

I can’t get him off of it.

They text from the minute he walks in the door until I bodily rip it from his clenched fist 30 minutes after bedtime.

Yesterday he took it in the bathroom with him.

I started to get upset and frustrated with him until I got up from where I was sitting to eat my dinner and grabbed my phone to take it with me to go take a shower.

Good Kids

2010-09-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

On the day of the shower, when my world was all going to shit, while I was out and about, the kids decided to be helpful.

Mom and Bean shrugged it off.

So sweet that they want to help and surprise Mommy.

I know my kids better.

They wanted something.

But that's not the point.

The point is that they:

Cleaned the living room.

Vacuumed the dining room.

Cleaned to kitchen.

Did laundry.

However

They washed a huge load of their laundry with half a bottle of bleach.

Fortunately Bean jumped in and fixed it as much as he could, but I have no idea how he did. I think the conversations went like this:

Oliver: Bean, is the bleach supposed to smell that strong?

Bean: Umm... Why?

Oliver: Well we did laundry and the bleach smell is really strong.

At which point, Bean leapt out of wherever he was sitting for damage control.

And I do have to say that I admire my husband's self-control, because no yelling whatsoever happened here. No children were injured and no anger was vented.

The death toll was: 4 of Oliver's school shirts, 1 of Tallulah's play skirts.

And there will be housecleaning for the rest of the week if they want new Webkins.

PS - More Shower Stuff

2010-09-18T17:00:00.000-05:00

By the way -

The shower was fantabulous, because me and Aria RAWK.

Though I still can't show you pictures, because my computer sucks ass.

Going to a Shower or Jenn Gets Bitchy

2010-09-18T06:00:00.000-05:00

This post was originally for last week, but got scooted on down so I could do my Back to Blogging posts. Which were super fun.
If you haven't read about the cake, you might want to go here. If not, then just know, last Sunday, my friend Aria and I threw a baby shower for our good friend Cara.

I made the cake and it was delivered to my house on Saturday. And Aria and I had done some of the set-up on Thursday, so I really didn't have much to do Sunday.

Aria came and picked up the cake around 11:30 (because I would have had it through the windshield with my jerky standard driving action) and I was going to meet her there at 1:00.

At 12:15, Bean helped me load up the truck but Mom wasn't home, and she had the tea and sugar for our tea party shower in her trunk (which I am fully willing to admit I should have unloaded Saturday, but I was tired from cake makin').

So as I sat there fuming about my blown schedule, I looked down at my cute little sundress and I see that there's something all down one side - a sticky nasty something.

Fuck.

No problem, I'll change. Into sundress #2 I go.

The zipper broke 2 seconds after I got it on.

Double Fuck.

Into my closet to find something else to wear.

Black skirt doesn't fit. Gray skirt is dirty. No shirt for that skirt, and that dress is too short.

Khaki pants and a maroon top it is.

And it's 12:45, I should have left at 12:30 and Mom's still not home.

Triple Fuck.

I couldn't really tell you what exactly was said, but it involved Bean and possible overuse of "fuck" and ended up with him trying to understand why I needed tea when we had tea.

I didn't have time to explain so I called another friend Ophalia to see if she could come over and wait for Mom to mosey on home with the tea.

Again, I couldn't tell you actual words, but there was definite overuse of "fuck" and ended with her telling me she'd take care of it.

Good friend.

I got to the shower okay, apparantly being pissed helps me drive a stick better but I did share some of my misfortune when Aria broke a pitcher shortly after I arrived.

To Blog or Day 5 of Back to Blogging

2010-09-17T16:55:00.000-05:00

Today is the last day for SITS and Back to Blogging because of which I will win Thelma and Louise - the washer and dryer from Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances

Today: What blogging means to me.

I blog so that I can be myself.

Everyone has a public side to them and a private side to them. Or at least they have a bit of censoring involved in their every day lives.

Obviously I can be myself all I want with Bean, and with a few of my friends. But for the most part everyone sees me as pretty sensible and for the most part normal. They don't know that I ~~argue with myself~~ talk to myself or that sometimes I have mild hallucinations or that I get crazy ass ideas stuck in my head.

So I love that here I can let loose everything.

2 Truths and a Lie - One Day Too Late

2010-09-17T12:00:00.001-05:00

With all the excitement of Back to Blogging and my guest post over at Aunt Crazy's I didn't get a chance to post up my 2 Truths and a Lie, but I couldn't leave y'all hanging..

Last Week I told you:

1. I have 2 tattoos.

Very true. A "II" on my left inner wrist which serves many purposes:
It helps me tell my left from my right.
I am a Gemini.
I have 2 children.
And Bean is my second chance.

And a nickname that the best friend I ever had used to call me, "Bel" on my back (but not a true trampstamp). I got it shortly after his death when I was eighteen.

2. Bean has 2 tattoos.

Also true.
He has our last name on one arm and a scorpion on his other. And I do have to tell you that the man has elastic skin that any woman would pay good money for.. When he was in the hospital and blown up like the fucking Michelin Man I kept thinking how his tattoos were going to be unrecognizable.. but no, they're still the same.

3. We want to get a tattoo of each other's names.

Absolutely not - total and complete lie.
I love my husband and he loves me, but there will be no names tattoo'd on persons.

Oh My Giddy Aunt Crazy!!

2010-09-16T17:32:00.001-05:00

Y’all are never going to believe this shit.

I am guest posting over at Aunt Crazy’s blog since she’s on hiatus and didn’t want me to call out the police again.

I feel like a rawk star. I’m also incredibly nervous.

So head on over there and check me out.

For Love of Maude or Back to Blogging Day 4

2010-09-16T06:00:00.001-05:00

By now, you've got to know Thelma and Louise - the washer and dryer that will hopefully be brought to me by Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances because of the wonderful blog SITS and Back to Blogging.

Today: A new post about a woman who inspires me.

This is actually really hard, because I have alot of wonderful strong women in my world.

But if I have to pick just one, I'd have to go with Maude, my son's biological grandmother.

Maude is so special to me. Her son and I have not always gotten along very well, but she has made it a point to always make our relationship separate from that.

And even though she absolutely didn't have to, she treats my daughter like her granddaughter, so consequently, she is.

She's also the strongest woman I know.

She's been through hell and back many times over and she just keeps on. She may rage about it, or cry, but she never gives up.

Maude is one of the kindest and gentlest people I know, but she also doesn't take shit from anyone. And while she knows how to hold her tongue, if she cares about you then she doesn't - so I always know that she means what she says and says what she means.

I have never asked her for something that she hasn't come through on. There are not words to describe how much I love that woman. And other than my kids, I have no idea what she gets out of our relationship.

There could never be a higher compliment in my mind than to have someone tell me I'm like her.

Good Night This Title RAWK'd or Back to Blogging Day 3

2010-09-15T06:00:00.001-05:00

Here's another view of Thelma and Louise - my new washer and dryer from Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances.

Ok, maybe they'll be my new washer and dryer. If I'm a good girl and do what SITS tells me with these post prompts.

Today: A post with a title I'm particularly proud of.

I actually love this post. Alot.

This really is how my world goes, and is almost a word for word recreation of an evening with Bean. It's from February 12, 2010.

And the title RAWK'd my socks off.

The Canada/Nepal Theory and The Winter Olympics or maybe The Things Bean and I Fight About

So tonight Bean decided that my plans of catching up on "The Vampire Diaries" were off and we were going to watch the Opening Ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. And so I thought:

Alright, that's cool, I like the Olympics, right??

Plus he's been working, and it's cold, and all I really cared about was sharing body heat.

Wow. The Opening Ceremonies are boring. So he started talking about some South Park something where they thought that Canada was secretly evil, but I disagree.

Me: I don't think that Canada has to be secretly evil, because nobody cares about Canada because it's so close to the United States and they're all busy hating us.

Bean: ??

Me: I mean it's like Nepal, it could be like Utopia or something, and nobody would care because it's so close to China that nobody would care because everybody's all worried about China being all mean and bad and stuff.

Bean: Honey, some people really think Nepal, IS great.

Me: Well yeah, but I'm saying that it could only rain at night and be the perfect temperature and have no unemployment and no starving people and everybody could be all happy - and nobody on a GLOBAL scale would care because of China.

Bean: Ok.....

Me: I like this theory. We can call it the Canada/Nepal Theory.

Bean: You can call it the Canada/Nepal Theory. It's your theory.

Me: You mean you don't support me?!?!

Bean: I didn't say that, but it's your theory.

So then we were bored for a little bit longer and then somehow we got around to how it's snowing everywhere but Canada (where everyone is evil), so they had to make the snow. So I had this brilliant idea that if you can make snow, then WE can have the Winter Olympics in Houston. Bean didn't think I was brilliant.

Me: So if the evil Canadians can make snow, then so can we - WE should have the Winter Olympics here!!

Bean: That's never going to happen.

Me: Why not??

Bean: Because it has to be cold.

Me: It's freaking freezing outside!!

Bean: And there has to be snow.

Me: But we can make it.

Bean: And you have to petition to have the Olympics in your city and it costs money and then you have to build a stadium...

Me: But we have LOTS of stadiums, we can just use one of those.

Bean: Ok, then we have to petition the NFL or whoever to use their stadium.

Me: Well that's no problem, they'll say yes.

Bean: It will never happen.

Me: I haven't heard a single good reason yet.

Bean: There are no mountains. What are you going to do, give the hill country Viagra??

Me: No!! (what a ridiculous idea - I mean really..)

Me: We'll make them. I mean they just have to go down them, right??

I Wish You'd Been There or Back to Blogging Day 2

2010-09-14T06:00:00.001-05:00

Onto Day 2 of Back to Blogging..

Where I will win Thelma and Louise because I'm fantastic and Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances are all my facebook friends. And we all know that facebook friends are tight.

Anyway - The whole idea is brought to you by SITS and I'm loving these post prompts.

Today: A post I wish more people had read.

This one is from February 6, 2010:

I am totally going to die. You should absolutely not come have lunch with me or bring me flowers or visit me at work for any reason whatsoever. Really. Because someone left these really creepy barrels of something out in our parking lot.

I should now mention that our parking lot is right off a major freeway and so it's kind of a pain to get to so noone would think to themselves,

"Gee what a nifty place to store my creepy barrels!"

Oh, and we're also in just about the ghettoest place you can be in Houston without actually being in one of the wards and noone has stolen them, so they are too creepy even for the creeps.. Yeah.

Plus since all the really awesome people on the ship channel work in my building, it would be an fantastic terrorist target..

But I don't think that a terrorist put them there, I think that the creepy ex employee who came to work on his last day looking like he had a bomb strapped to his chest is the one who put them there..

He SAYS that it was a karate gui under his sweater, but I think he was just happy to see me..

Anyway.. I'm totally going to email these pictures to the over-achieving safety chic and tell her we have an F.B.I. and she should investigate it, and possibly call the other FBI, because those barrels could explode at any minute.

Mostly, I like this post because it's so very me to freak out about something like barrels. And I actually made a powerpoint presentation about these fishy barrels. Plus I like that I have actual pictures, which doesn't happen too often.

Back to Blogging

2010-09-13T16:25:00.002-05:00

I found this on The Scoop on Poop.. And while I did actually have posts set up for this week, I'm scooting them on over and doing these, partially because they're cool, and partially because Thelma and Louise are fucking sweet and I want them.
See??

Gorgeous, huh?? All thanks to Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances. They need to be in my house, don't you think??

Anyway - It's this whole thing from SITS to help people who have been slacking in their blogging to get back in the game called Back to Blogging (yeah, I know, you probably already figured that out). It's excellent, and there's these post prompts, which I love.

Today - My first post ever:

My first post ever was on January 19, 2010, and I do have to say, it kindof sucked:

Once upon a time my father used to sing to me the song "Jennifer Juniper".

Jennifer Juniper rides a dappled mare

Jennifer Juniper lilacs in her hair

I've never heard anyone else sing the song to know if his version was the right tune, and to the best of my knowledge that's not even the chorus, but to a five year old little girl, having a song named after her is the best feeling in the world, and not one that the correct version could possibly better.

Now I know that the song was obviously not named after me.. But part of me still hums that little portion of it to my father's tune and smiles.. Perhaps I was named after the song.

See?? I'm WAY more entertaining now.

So, I'm loving that another option here was to rewrite my first post..

How about this??

Do you have any idea how many "Jennifers" there are?? Yeah, me neither. And growing up I had a last name only slightly less popular than "Smith".

But, my father (who I'm convinced had some kind of split-personality disorder since about half of the time he was sweet as all get out and half the time he made the devil look meek) used to sing me this song in a moderately horrible voice:

Jennifer Juniper rides a dappled mare

Jennifer Juniper lilacs in her hair

And when you're a little girl and your dad is singing you a song with your name in it, you really kind of believe that it's all about you.

But mostly, I'm "Jennifer Juniper" because I need a blog where I can let my crazy out - and where noone that I actually know can find me. And everybody knows that anybody who puts flowers in her hair is just a little bit crazy.

See?? Much better.

JJ & Yoda Make a Cake

2010-09-13T06:00:00.000-05:00

Sunday me and my friend Aria (AKA Mrs. Superman) threw a shower for our good friend Cara.
First off let me tell you that Cara is the sweetest person ever and has been trying very hard to have a baby, so it had to be absolutely perfect.

So of course I went to Grandma Maude for the cake.

She made my wedding cake.

And also 10 and 6 years worth of perfect birthday cakes (including a 3D Pirate Ship that really was amazing).

This time she wanted to play with fondant, and she wanted me to help her.

I was actually really excited, because it kinda made me feel like I was going to work with Yoda. Only without the nasty ass swamp and and the X-Wing.

So Friday Bean & I packed up the kids and went over to Pa (AKA The Weiner Wrangler) and Maude's.

Maude and I rolled fondant, colored fondant and cut out polka dots in fondant. And while that doesn't really sound like alot of work, let me tell you - I was exhausted when we finally left at 11:00.

Maude and Pa were going to finish it all up for me, but Pa got tired, so Maud called me Saturday afternoon and asked if I could come over to help some more.

Obviously there was nothing I could say but yes, so I packed up the kids and headed back.

We rolled more fondant, and made a rainbow bow and put the fondant on the cake and then applied our bow and polka dots and I thought I was going to die.

We got it all done, and I'd post a picture but my computer is being a little bitch and won't let me. But it was adorable.

Fondant make look pretty, but its a bitch.

So Sorry..

2010-09-12T18:14:00.002-05:00

I feel the need to apologize to you my bloggy friends.. I've been slacking big time, both on my writing and on my reading. But I'm working on it.. I promise!!